You might not be smart, but why shouldn’t your resume be?
(Hint: The infographic matches up with a series the examples below.)
1) Hide your GPA. You wouldn’t bring up your three figure net worth on a first date, so why mention that you finished in the bottom 10% of your class?
2) Balance your Hemingway-esque word-smithing with Picasso like use of bold and italic fonts, and perfectly placed (read: completely random) lines and bullets.
3) Overuse Microsoft Word synonyms to make every day words seem more important. Power User tip: Use Synonyms.com to outsmart even the most sophisticated recruiters.
4) Use different verbs to say the exact same thing. You Increased, Augmented, Amplified and Bettered efficiency by 9% in the 3rd quarter with your project management skills.
5) Say you’re good at something outlandish (and more importantly, something that cannot be verified) since everyone provides the obligatory “Proficient with Microsoft Word/Facebook/[USER FRIENDLY TECHNOLOGY]” skills which really only proves they are not from a 3rd world country. Completing Iron Mans is a good place to start.
6) Use a middle initial or numerical suffix at the end of your name. Extra points awarded for a prefix letter/set of letters (“C.H. Everest Rutherford”). These letters and numbers scream pedigree. Who needs to know you took the short bus to high school?
7) Add letters after your name. Lots of people are MBA’s, CFA’s etc. but that seems like a lot of work. How about a C.K.Y.? Or T.B.D.? These common acronyms will resonate with recruiters and be deemed “prestigious industry designations.”
8) Name your resume something important sounding and save it in a format no one else will ever use. Recommendations include “Historical Employment Records for C H Everest Rutherford III” saved as a .jpeg. Who won’t remember you when your resume opens in Paint?
9) Use the smallest margins possible. Recruiters will be impressed by your utter disregard for Word’s warnings that margins of that nature will cut off parts of the document during printing.
10) Copy and paste pieces from the job description you are seeking and disguise them as things you have done in the past. On paper you’ll be the Steve Jobs of mid-level consumer goods account managers.
11) Use words like colour and flavour (extra points for being able to use flavor in a resume) to sound more sophisticated. This means you will also have to continue the charade (pronounced “shar-odd”) by saying finance like fuh-nance. Douche-like use of the accent on résumé is also encouraged.
12) If all else fails, make sure to subtly include information about being part of a protected class (handicap, sexual orientation, religious affiliation etc.) so you have a legal foot to stand on when claiming hiring bias if you don’t get the job.
Happy job hunting, kids.