The Best Gifts this Holiday Season

If you love your kids (looking at you, mom and dad), you'll want to make sure that they get the best Christmas presents that you can afford this year.
stretch armstrong dangerous toy

If you love your kids (looking at you, mom and dad), you’ll want to make sure that they get the best Christmas presents that you can afford this year.  These days, though, you also want to make sure that your kids aren’t a part of the safe space, everybody wins generation that has gotten such a bad rap. If your kids are dickheads, worst case scenario in 2016 is that you unfollow them on Twitter and they become somebody else’s problem. If they’re safe space kids, then they’re ruining the entire generation below them too, and nobody wants that.

The best way to toughen your kids up and not have them contribute to the society of whiners, is to buy them a toy off of the  Most Dangerous Toys List List of Toys that Will Toughen Up Your Kids

Peppa Pig’s Muddy Puddles Family

Why it’s on the list: Some packages say 3+ and others say 2+ for the same toy, without warning about choking hazards for two-year-olds.

Why you should buy it anyway: First of all, I assume that the choking hazard is the name. A muddy puddles family sounds like a very specific search on a very niche adult site, if you catch my drift. When it comes to choking hazards, what difference does one year make? It’s not like either age group is full of rocket scientists. If your three year old is going to choke on a toy, it’s a pretty safe bet that the two year old already needs the Heimlich. Go ahead and buy it.

Kids Time Baby Children’s Elephant Pillow

Why it’s on the list: Advertising image shows infant snuggling with pillow, despite pillows for children under one being banned by a federal safety act. Package has no age warnings.

Why you should buy it anyway: This is rich. The advertising shows something that’s not quite accurate. Just because Kate Upton is on the side of the freeway on a 30 foot billboard, doesn’t mean that this Wonder Bra is going to make me look like I belong within 100 miles of the VS Fashion show. It’s called Photoshop. Buy the damn pillow.

Slimeball Slinger

Why it’s on the list: “Slimeball” projectiles that can be fired “over 30 feet” can cause eye injuries.

Why you should buy it anyway: The line above this should read “Slimeball” projectiles can be fired “over 30 feet” AND IT’S FUCKING AWESOME”. Have the kids toss on some safety glasses and let ’em have at it. Actually, no, forget the safety glasses. They won’t learn the value of proper eye safety until 9th grade shop class otherwise. As they say “What doesn’t leave you temporarily blind in your right eye makes you stronger”.

Banzai Bump N’ Bounce Body Bumpers

Why it’s on the list: Children shown on package bumping into each other without wearing any of the protective equipment recommended by the manufacturer in small print on the package.

Why you should buy it anyway: See Kate Upton reference above. It’s advertising, it’s not meant to be taken at face value. The goal is to entice you to buy whatever it is you weren’t planning on buying when you walked into the store. As for the safety gear in the fine print, that’s a crock of shit. You know who else wears safety gear? That’s right, NFL players. And they end up with their brains getting scrambled and not being able to remember their kid’s names at 45. Either buy this or sign your kid up for peewee football, Little Bobby wasn’t going to Harvard anyway, let’s be real.

Nerf Rival Apollo Xv-700 Blaster:

Why it’s on the list: Potential for eye injuries. Kids are shown wearing masks covering face and eyes, but these items are sold separately.

Why you should buy it anyway: These items are sold separately? If you buy your kid a mask to play with Nerf guns, he’s going to wish he wasn’t wearing it so that someone would put him out of his misery. You think Richard Branson’s parents ever made him wear a safety mask? Hell no.

The Good Dinosaur Galloping Butch

Why it’s on the list: Rigid tail may puncture children’s faces.

Why you should buy it anyway: Puncturing kids faces sounds pretty gnarly. Buy them the Nerf safety mask mentioned above. Who thought making this thing was a good idea? Maybe fire that guy.

Flying Heroes Superman Launcher

Why it’s on the list: Spinning flying superman may fly into child’s eye or face. 

Why you should buy it anyway: The first lesson in agility, if you can get smacked in the face with a child’s toy, get faster. This is a valuable life lesson.

Warcraft Doomhammer

Why it’s on the list: “6-year-old children are encouraged to “[f]eel the power of the horde!” with the “legendary Doomhammer,” based on weaponry in the “Warcraft” movie. The manufacturer offers no warnings regarding potential impact injuries associated with foreseeable use of the heavy, rigid plastic battle hammer.

Why you should buy it anyway: It’s a Doomhammer. You can’t not buy the Doomhammer. It says legendary right in the description. Also, if you can’t ascertain that if you buy your children a toy hammer, that they will then hit other children with said toy hammer, maybe you’re not cut out for this whole parenting thing. Try again next time.

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