I guess it was naive of me to think we’d be able to coast into 2017 with no more WTF moments, but hey, call me an optimist. Our latest “get me off this planet,” story comes from Salem Massachusetts’ friendly neighborhood Satanist political activists over at the Satanic Temple. In an interview with Broadly writer Callie Beusman, Jex Blackmore (I’m sure that’s her real name) a spokesperson with the Satanic Temple, details how her group is planning to protest a recently passed Texas Congressional mandate requiring the burial of aborted fetuses by sending in their used jizz rags.
Yep. Not to be outdone by your usual ineffective and irrelevant SJW protests, our Satanic friends here have decided to put all those crumpled up tissues and socks they keep lying around to good use by sending them to Texas Governor Greg Abbott for proper burial in an attempt to analogize their belief of the absurdity of burying an unborn child with the absurdity of burying your jizz rag. Because, you know, this is how you have conversations about legislation you disagree with in 2016.
Before all you beaters turned activists start firing up your Jergens and your USPS account, Blackmore does caution that mailing in real swimmers is a bit of legal no man’s land. Yeah, can’t imagine our founders’ sitting around the constitution saying to themselves, “should we go ahead and write in that 11th amendment that talks about mailing your sperm to a politician you don’t like?” Instead, she recommends making fake sperm and mailing that in, as if jerking into a sock wasn’t pathetic enough already. One has to wonder where the original idea for all of this came from. Were they sitting around brainstorming protests for the law and some knuckle dragger raised his hand with, “Well I’ve got some crusty socks my mom said she’s not going to clean for me anymore!” Or, did they follow in true SJW fashion of taking a counter argument and dialing it up to a 10 on the unreasonable/defendable scale, thought I can’t imagine there being a functioning judge in the US that’s going to have this come across their desk and rule in favor of the jackers.