I Found Brad Pitt’s Post on Craigslist’s Men Seeking Women

It's probably him.

I read the men seeking women tab on craigslist because it’s fascinating, and I’m kind of a pervert. I often find myself wondering who these people are. You never hear of someone saying they found someone special or a great time on craigslist. People don’t talk about it, yet there are a million posts. There’s some really good shit on there, but some of you are going about this the wrong way. My doctor told me I need more Vitamin U, is a great headline, but it’s only as great as what’s inside the post.

Though, I will click that headline, every time.

I once read this post about this dude looking for a first date at which he could teach a woman how to drive stick. It was called First Date – Bang Gears; great, but I wasn’t impressed with the post. It wasn’t until I noticed something that I gave it another thought.

He included his height, yet no sexual orientation (because it was obvious?) or ethnicity (pretty sure you’re a white dude) or age (mid 40s fo’sho). The fact he was 5’6 was detrimental to this post. As if to say, hey, I know this whole craigslist thing is a little creepy, let me put you at ease by telling you I’m exactly what you’re expecting.

At no point did I think you weren’t 5’6, dude. I generally assume all folk who lurk craigslist lack something, whether it be height or decency. What really gets me going are the race specific posts. The white man looking for a Latino lover, or the white man looking for an Asian woman, or the white man looking for his ebony princess – you get it right? Craigslist is a bunch of white dudes looking for something different. (If I could put emoji’s in this, I’d be going nuts right now.)

That’s not actually true, I’m definitely making a generalization, but I don’t care. It’s fucking craigslist. My personal favourite are the ebony princess posts because the writer always thinks he’s being so descriptive, but in reality he’s only using the word chocolate 13 times.

I recently came across a post that was very trying for me.

“I’m a mature, professional Caucasian business man, seeking a cute ebony princess to meet weekly for an ongoing $pecial friendship. If your serious and interested we should chat to see if we’re looking for the same thin(g). Please no one liners.”

I convulsed at my desk.

The Nigerian princess jokes practically write themselves. It took everything in my being not to spam this guys inbox with a bunch of really, really shitty one liners.  I’m a lot stronger than I thought I was, but for those of you who aren’t: do it.

Because I don’t respond to these ads I’m always thinking what if.

What if I did spam that guy? What if he really liked my shitty Nigerian one liner and we hit it off? What if we met and he’s the hottest 52 year old out there? Whoa, wait what if it’s fucking Brad Pitt? He’s 52. What if Brad Pitt posted on craigslist looking for an ebony princess and really liked my shitty one liner and like, we hit it off and like, now we bang all the time and he gives me money?

That would be so dope.

Definitely what this is.

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