Now that the kick-off to a slew of painstaking holiday parties has commenced we can ascend into the nitty gritty, painstakingly, awful torture that is the Office Holiday Party. Most of them are mandatory and if you are anything like me, you do not like to be forced to any activity, let alone fraternize with individuals that you may just-so-happen to be associated with. (I’m talking about you Dad!) The list provided below will give you all that you need to weather through this nog-ridden turmoil. As for me, I am going to stick with my usual holiday tradition, which includes making out with investment bankers in the downstairs bathroom at P. J. Clarke’s.
1. Do not drink A.K.A. Don’t Barf Where You Eat
Remember that you have to see these people on a daily basis. It may be a hard pill to swallow, but you spend more time with these people than you do with those you truly care about. The very thought of this may even cause a happy-go-lucky, job secured, chap to reach for the bottle. The key is, don’t. As we have all experienced at one time or another, too much alcohol leads to a plethora of social violations one of them being word vomit. This is the non-physical (thankfully) social blunder that can sometimes be dismissed or gussied up with a joke of some sort. However, there are times when the damage is so powerful it leaves others wondering just what other substances are inside that glass of yours. It is wise to avoid this possibility completely. Do you really need to tell the CFO about how two Hanukkah’s ago, you ended up in jail because you and your Uncle Ted didn’t see eye to eye on the ending of American Psycho? Remember, the CFO has domain over your paycheck…
2. When in doubt ‘nod it out’
This one is quick. Avoid any confrontational chatter. Avoid any speech that is contrarian. These are the high-holidays where most of us would really just prefer to be that. Why be the ‘Debbie Downer’ and pop everyone else’s balloon of uppers? When someone makes a clear and definitive statement of opinion, just nod. That’s it. Oh, and smile, but only if you have a nice one. On the similar note. Never utter a word about how you think, feel, eat, sleep or whatever your being consists of outside of the holiday party. You are a blank canvas, you are not even really there.
3. Have a posse
Everyone has their group of buds. Hollywood had the Pussy Posse. High school has the Mean Girls or as some say the Heathers, depending on how old you are. It is best to have your own gang of followers to hang out with during these trying times. Nothing is better than being know as the group that is not to be messed with. This way you can keep out all the degenerates that you wouldn’t piss on fire to put out.
4. Have an exit strategy
Being that your buzz will be nonexistent. You will most likely be very aware of your surroundings. Your blood will boil from whatever nonsensical political comment Susan from accounting is so passionate about. You will feel faint with fear because your co-workers want to know where you and your significant other are spending the holidays. You don’t want to explain to them that he won’t be with you because he broke up with you, because he’s going back to school and now he doesn’t have time for you and that hurts. So, now you are alone, again, and the only thing that soothes the lonely nights is Pornhub or re-watching the whole series of 30 Rock. AND— Sorry about that. When you find yourself in a Holiday Party crisis just say that you have a “Prior engagement.” You will appear important and courteous. Therefore, all will be forgiven as you race out of the room, snatching that full bottle of Veuve Clicquot off the bar.
5. Just don’t murder anyone, please
But if you do witness a murder make sure you capture it in photos or video. This will help you when you want to negotiate your raise.