Feeling alone this holiday season? Don’t have a “bae” with whom to watch shitty holiday movies on these cold December nights? Or maybe you’re looking for something to blame your recent weight gain on and figure “relationship gut” could work? Well, if you thought yes to any or all three of these hypotheticals, then I’ve got some exciting news for you. Thanks to the Jacksonville Jaguars, you won’t have to spend this Holiday season alone! Presenting the first ever Jacksonville Jaguars “Get Your Honey for the Holidays” Tailgate!
Now, I know what you’re thinking, “who is trying to go to an AFC South matchup between the Titans and Jaguars on Christmas Eve?” But, this is a brilliant move by the Jaguars marketing team for a number of reasons.
First, there’s a little saying in this country that goes, “no press is bad press,” ever heard of it? I’m sure there’s article after article plastered all over the internet right now saying how sad this is, but you know what they’re doing? That’s right, talking about the Jaguars. NFL writers everywhere are talking about a team that’s 2-10, mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, and hasn’t been relevant since the days of Byron Leftwich in late December. Savvy move, Mr. Khan.
Second, the Jaguars are appealing to its biggest demographic: single people. To be a Jaguars fan is to accept a life riddled with failures and crippling loneliness. I know this firsthand, because being a Browns fan is not that different. By throwing a tailgate specifically for single people, the Jaguars are letting its fans know that the organization hears them and feels for them.
Plus, the tailgate is hosted by none other than “The Bachelorette” runner-up Robby Hayes! That’s right, the matchmaker for a singles tailgate is the guy who lost the Bachelorette. Aka a guy who is still single (although he may be with this chick I went to college with, TBD). Having the loser of a game show host a singles tailgate for a fourth place AFC South team is so perfect that I can’t even fully fathom it.
My only problem with this tailgate, however, is that I feel like the people of Jacksonville shouldn’t really be procreating. I mean, look at these people:
The people of Jacksonville are single for a reason; encouraging them to reproduce and bring more Northern Floridians into the world seems like a crime against humanity.
Overall, while I like the theory of this tailgate, I’m not so sure that I like it in practice. So if you’re reading this in Jacksonville, FL and considering attending this tailgate, save those $49 that you definitely don’t have and watch the game from the comfort of your own mobile home.
But, if you are still come next season, then join me at the first ever Tommy Hollywood Singles Tailgate at First Energy Stadium before the Browns Home Opener.* Chicks wearing a Brady Quinn jersey get in for free ;).
*contingent upon the approval of the Cleveland Browns.