Who’s Excited for the Real College Football Playoff?

There are times when an idea comes to me and I think “Dubs, you’re a genius. Everything you touch turns to gold. Everyone in this world is so lucky...

There are times when an idea comes to me and I think “Dubs, you’re a genius. Everything you touch turns to gold. Everyone in this world is so lucky that they have the opportunity to be in your presence, and you yourself, unlucky that you don’t get to experience it from their point of view” This my friends is one of those times. I’m so amped up to bring this idea to you all I feel bad even writing this intro paragraph because it’s keeping us from the single best idea a human beings has ever had. Ready? College. Football. Playoffs.

My CFB playoffs are a little different than the ones that are playing out right now. In those, only four teams had a chance to win, and where’s the fun in that? In mine no teams have a chance to win, because we’re not looking at teams. We’re looking match-ups between bowl games. How do we determine the winners? I’ve devised an incredibly intricate and holistic way to find our winner:

  1. I’m gonna choose whatever the fuck I want

To the play-in games of match-ups!

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Allstate Sugar Bowl vs. Capital One Orange Bowl. Pretty cool that the first round features two of the New Years Six Bowls. It’s funny, I actually wrote this blog last week but it got deleted *cough @teetime cough* and in it I said the Orange Bowl was going to be a blow out (referring to Michigan). Good thing that blog got deleted because that would’ve been embarrassing, right guys? Either way, I’m about to watch the Sugar Bowl, so hopefully giving them the W here will inspire it to be a fun game to watch. Winner: Allstate Sugar Bowl

New Era Pinstripe Bowl vs. Autozone Liberty Bowl. Never understood why a baseball team got a football bowl game named after them. Doesn’t make sense. It’s that kind of thinking that gets them to the round of 32. Winner: New Era Pinstripe Bowl

Hawai’i Bowl vs. AutoCare V100 Texas Bowl. Love that Hawaii gets an autobid to this bowl if eligible. Consistency is the key to football. Winner: Hawai’i Bowl

Belk Bowl vs. Foster Farms Bowl. Foster Farms opened its doors in 1939. You know what else happened in 1939? That’s right, Amelia Earhart disappeared forever. Classic Foster Farms flying to victory. Winner: Foster Farms Bowl

Goodyear Cotton Bowl vs. Buffalo Wild Wings Citrus Bowl. This one is pretty tough because the Cotton bowl was the game I was actually most excited for. I went to a school without a real football team, but now live next to the University of Wisconsin campus. I’ve somewhat adopted the Badgers as my team. In a way this was my first bowl game experience, and it ended in a victory. It’s also always interesting to see if a team that goes undefeated in a non-power 5 conference can theoretically be one of the better teams in college football. A lot of story lines here, both in terms of football and my personal life. Good thing none of that matters lol. Winner: Buffalo Wild Wings Citrus Bowl

San Diego County Club Union Bowl vs. TaxSlayer Bowl. I have no idea what “TaxSlayer” is but I’ll be damned if that’s not an awesome name for a company. Only thing San Diego has given us is Blink-182. Winner: TaxSlayer Bowl

Birmingham Bowl vs. Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl. I wasn’t sure about this one and then I remembered the first time I ate Chick-fil-A and was briefly relieved of my crippling anxiety and inappropriately timed spirals out of control. Winner: Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl

Camping World Independence Bowl vs. Russell Athletic Bowl Camping World sounds like a place my Step-Dad would try to take us on vacation so we would forget about how he tore our family apart, but Russell Athletic is actually what my Step-Dad used to make me call him during pick-up football games so we have a toss up. Winner: Camping World Independence Bowl

Round of 32!

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Rose Bowl vs. Allstate Sugar Bowl Another marquee matchup. The Rose bowl just finished at the time of writing this (was great) and to be honest I’m old and probably won’t be able to stay up for the end of the Sugar bowl (how dare they). Winner: Rose Bowl

Raycom Media Camiellia Bowl vs Nova Home Loans Arizona Bowl. Nova actually has some experience in a round of 32. It’d be tough to dethrone them this early. Winner Nova Home Loans Arizona Bowl

Gildan New Mexico Gowl vs. New Era Pinstripe Bowl. George Constanza learned the hard way that cotton beats pinstripes. Winner: Gildan New Mexico Bowl

Boca Raton Bowl vs. Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl. Old people or something that sounds like a lockdown Defensive Back from Baylor? Winner: Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl vs. Hawai’i Bowl How cocky is the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl for calling themselves famous? That’s like Nat King Cole calling a song The Christmas Song. Gotta love things that are just outrageously confident. Can’t knock the hustle. Winner: Famous Idaho Potato Bowl

Quick Lane Bowl vs. Popeyes Bahamas Bowl For this one I’m imagining a fight between Popeye and a terrible superhero named Quick Lane. She’s like pretty fast, but not fast enough to get the nickname Flash. <– This bit didn’t work. I’m gonna bail on it. Winner: Popeyes Bahamas Bowl

Foster Farms Bowl vs. St. Petersberg Bowl. Foster Farms was founded in 1939. You know what else was happening in 1939? That’s right! Saint Petersburg was about to be in the throes of a terrible, terrible war. Foster Farms continues its Cinderella Story as a 37 seed. Winner: Foster Farms Bowl

Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman vs. Miami Beach Bowl. Pretty sure our military is pretty damn good at storming beaches (this analogy doesn’t totally make sense but neither does 75% of this blog) Winner: Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman

Las Vegas Bowl vs. Buffalo Wild Wings Citrus Bowl. I’m going to use this platform to talk about buffalo wings. Honey barbecue wings are better, people just feel that they’re supposed to like buffalo wings more. Next time you go to BWW order half buffalo half honey barbecue, I guarantee the honey barbecue wings are gone first. Winner: Las Vegas Bowl

Motel 6 Cactus Bowl vs. Valero Alamo Bowl. Fun fact I was actually conceived at one of these next two places. Now you’re asking, which is sadder: a motel 6 or a gas station? Winner: Valero Alamo Bowl (I know, didn’t answer the question, stay tuned for the Sweet 16. That’s called a cliffhanger in the journalist world)

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl vs. TaxSlayer Bowl. If you couldn’t tell I typically make a gut call then try to justify my choice in a couple of sentences. This one was tough because the Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl has so many buzz words I had buzz word over-exposure. It’s like the time my boss sent me an email saying “I need to ad-hoc loop you in to increase the synergy of our enterprise” when she really could’ve just said “You’re fired for barely showing up to work for 3 weeks and spending all of your time crying in the bathroom when you do.” I was overwhelmed reading the bowl game and just can’t let them win. Winner: TaxSlayer Bowl

Outback Bowl vs. National Funding Holiday Bowl. I was actually going to do some research on National Funding for this one and got hit with a red wikipedia link. If you have a red wikipedia link you don’t deserve to have a bowl game and you definitely don’t belong in the sweet sixteen. Winner: Outback Bowl

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl vs. Chick-fil-A Peach bowl. Wanna hear some zany bowl-shit?(patent pending for when I own a bowl game. Dubs’ Zany Bowl-Shit) R+L Carriers is based out of Ohio and sponsors the New Orleans Bowl. That’d be like Dunkin’ Donuts hosting the San Diego Bowl, or the NFL hosting the “ethical business practices and caring about our players and their families” bowl. Preposterous. Winner: Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl

Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl vs Hyundai Sun Bowl. Zaxby sounds like an old-timey British butler. Try saying “Zaxby” in a British accent and ask him to get you a cup of tea. Dude may as well be named Jeeves. That shit’s hilarious. Winner: Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl

AutoNation Cure Bowl vs. Camping World Independence Bowl. I like the Cure bowl a lot if instead of thinking about two mediocre teams from the AAC and SunBelt, you picture 22 Robert Smiths of The Cure playing against each other singing “Boys Don’t Cry” while a bunch of Floridians say vaguely xenophobic things about him being British (does saying Floridians are xenophobic make me xenophobic? Idk, someone let me know, but not someone from Florida cause y’all are xenophobic)

Dollar General Bowl vs. Playstation Fiesta Bowl. There has never been a bigger injustice in sports than Tostitos no longer being the sponsor of the Fiesta Bowl. That was absolutely a match made in heaven. That’d be like Johnny Football hosting a Cocaine Bowl or Dubs hosting a Scream At Yourself In The Mirror Until Your Roommates Ask If Everything’s Ok Or Should They Call the Police Bowl. Since their sponsorship lapsed I vowed to never let them win a bracket of bowl match-ups. Not about to go back on my promise. Winner: Dollar General Bowl

That’s it for now. Check back in for the final four rounds. We’ll have a winner before the national championship game on Monday

Sweet Sixteen

  • 1 Rose Bowl vs. 17 Nova Home Loans Arizona Bowl
  • 8 Gildan New Mexico Bowl vs. 24 Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl
  • 4 Famous Idaho Potato Bowl vs. 20 Popeyes Bahamas Bowl
  • 37 Foster Farms Bowl vs. 12 Military Bowl Presented By Northrop Grumman
  • 2 Las Vegas Bowl vs. 18 Valero Alamo Bowl
  • 39 TaxSlayer Bowl vs. 10 Outback Bowl
  • 35 Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl vs. 14 Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl
  • 6 AutoNation Cure Bowl vs. 11 Dollar General Bowl
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