At 26, I’ve spent a good amount of my life in, around, and occasionally flying airplanes. With a flight instructor/mechanic/pilot for a father, and a career choice that led to more time on the road than at home, I am more than qualified to tell you that most of you are being total douchebags when you travel.
TSA is not a Sudoku puzzle, and pulling your laptop out of your bag is not an Olympic sport. There are ways of existing that are much more efficient than others, and your particular style of being a horrible human being is on full display the second you hit that boarding area.
Should you actually care about not being a negative drain on those around you during your brief stay in the air, just reference these helpful tips to minimize your impact on the airport world around you.
- Don’t pack your kids. If you must pack your kids, make sure you teach them how to pop their ears first. *You are granted amnesty if the child is under the age of 2. After 24 months, I will glare at you for your clear parenting mistakes.
- Yes, the laptop comes out of your bag. Every. Fucking. Time.
- That seat that reclines? You better not be using it on a flight less than 6 hours.
- Middle seat goers get both armrests. No exceptions.
- Gate agents are not all-knowing Gods, and you yelling at them for a delay will never help you. Never.
- If you have a cough/cold/what sounds like the black lung, take the drugs. All the drugs. No one wants you sharing your phlegm balls with them.
- When the flight attendants tell you to do something, do it. If they say step out of the aisle, step out of the god damned aisle.
- If you are boarding Zone 72, do not sprint to the gate entrance the second priority boarding opens. You’re in the fucking way and the rich people will squash you.
- Should you have been gifted with a window seat, know that you have the responsibility to move no more than one time from that seat.
- If the headphones are in, do not speak to that human. They don’t want to hear from you. When in doubt, keep that mouth shut.
There you have it; print these simple 10 tips out and carry them on every trip you adventure to. Or else face the very real possibility that I will seek, find, and destroy your fragile ego in any airport-related situation.
It should be noted that this content was written directly following a 14-hour, transatlantic travel day and I cannot be held accountable. For any reason.