The NFL and Holiday seasons have come to an end, both leaving me with shockingly similar feelings. Joyful that we are quickly approaching the gambler’s Christmas, Super Bowl Sunday. Regretful that I polished off dozens of sugar cookies daily and that I continue to be a Cleveland Browns fan. And, of course, in constant fear that the Patriots my win another Super Bowl and my own mortality. But, while it is a fact that we are all dying a slow death, let’s not dread on that now.
The holidays are about spending time with loved ones and making the shittiest nights of the year somewhat bearable. You reminisce with old friends about the times you had back in the day, or, if you’re in my family, relentlessly criticize one another. So, I plan on keeping the Hollywood family tradition alive by doing just that to both the holidays and the NFL. Here are the NFL playoff teams presented as the holidays.
St. Paddy’s Day: Oakland Raiders
The Raiders have gone through an absolute hell these last two games of the season. Primed to have a first round bye and a legitimate shot at winning the AFC until Derek Carr shatters his fibia like my dreams of being a socially desirable height. The only thing the Raiders have left to do is drink. A lot. Chalk this season up to bad luck and black out like only the black hole can. Cheers to 2018 Oakland!*
Memorial Day: Miami Dolphins
Remember Ryan Tannehill’s intangibles? Or the Undefeated Dolphins team? How about Dan Marino? These will all be referenced during their game against the Steelers because this game should be 24-6 at halftime and the announcers still have to talk about something. Plus, I really wanted to make a Matt MeMOOREial Day pun (and just did).
New Year’s Eve: Atlanta Falcons
The Falcons are apparently a lot of people’s favorites to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl. I, however, am not one of those people. I have not and will not ever believe that the Falcons are good. A lot of flash with their big offense, but just like New Year’s Eve, the Falcons are a team that everyone will try to convince me to like. Overrated.
Halloween: New York Giants
The Giants are the scariest team in the playoffs whenever they’re in. Ben McAdoo’s hair is intimidating, OBJ’s general presence is horrifying, and Eli Manning’s face needs to be made into a mask. I 1000% can see the Giants pulling a Mike Myers move and just slowly walking their way into the Super Bowl, cutting up their victims as they go.
4th of July: Green Bay Packers
America’s most traditional holiday goes to America’s most traditional team. It also happens to be America’s hottest holiday, so this works double for the NFL’s hottest team. The Packers have some real fireworks on offense but I don’t trust their defense. If those fireworks can go off in JPP’s hands in this first round matchup in Lambeau, I expect them to get to the Super Bowl.
Labor Day: Kansas City Chiefs
The holiday that celebrates work could only go to the Kansas City Chiefs. A real “bring your lunch pail to work” team, you’ll hear a lot of grit references about their defense and that Alex Smith, “just gets the job done man.” A team with no flare gets the holiday with no flare. But good luck, I guess?
Christmas: New England Patriots
The heavyweights. The favorite every year. The Patriots have been given two huge gifts this year: Derek Carr’s injury and Michael Floyd’s BAC being the same as the amount of points they beat Miami by (.21). Both of these will allow the Pats to stocking stuff every other AFC team into a locker and set the sleigh to cruise control en route to Houston.
Thanksgiving: Detroit Lions
Thanksgiving is that holiday that you get all geared up for and comes hot out of the gate. You start drinking early, play a little football, start loading up on appetizers while watching the Lions play, but around 4:00pm you lose steam. Those 10 Miller Lites and three helpings of potatoes catch up to you, and you’re lucky to make it to dessert. In the Lions case, they started out red hot before Stafford broke his middle finger, and had it not been for Washington losing would have been on the outside looking in this postseason.
Veterans Day: Seattle Seahawks
No real joke here, they’ve just been here before. They know exactly what they need to do and will most likely be in the NFC Championship game. Nothing too exciting, but if they beat the Patriots this year, make sure you thank them.
Valentine’s Day: Pittsburgh Steelers
The Steelers are the team with whom I fell in love this year. The three headed monster on offense of Big Ben, Bell, and Brown coupled with a competent defense. They’re the biggest threat to the Pats in the AFC, but much like my Valentine’s Day gift ideas, will end up disappointing everyone.
Your Anniversary: Houston Texans
Until you turn on your TV Saturday, you will forget that the Houston Texans are in the playoffs. They’re there every year, on the same day, but you somehow seem to always forget. So, at 3:00 o’clock you’ll put together some half-assed playoff watch party at your house so you at least did something, but in the end it wasn’t worth it. Make yourself comfy on that couch, because you’re about to have an acid-reflux filled sleep on there.
*possibly Las Vegas, TBD