7 Ways to Reboot Your Pathetic Life in 2017

It’s that time of year, every internet troll with a WordPress blog and 8th-grade grasp of the English language is going to help you get your life in order for 2017. Well I’ve got some bad news for you: I’m not your therapist and Entry Revel isn’t Cosmo. And while we’re at it, I’ve got some worse news for you: you don’t stand a chance.

(Spoiler alert: We’re going to give away an Ink+Volt 2017 Planner to one lucky Reveler. Click that link, seriously)

Since I fall into the same demographic as you, I know exactly how any of these resolutions or lifestyle changes will go:

11:59 PM on 12/31/16: Drunkenly tell your partners in crime that you are going to do X, Y and Z in 2017

10:14 AM on 1/1/17: Wake up next to someone you hardly know, spend most of your day contemplating getting an STD test

9:08 AM on 1/4/17: Remember your resolution when the burning sensation subsides

1:31 PM on 1/4/17: Promptly forget about your New Year’s Resolution

Great, so now it’s January 5th. You’re back to living a champagne lifestyle on a keg beer budget, eating like Paula Deen after gastric bypass reversal surgery and reverting to smartphone dating for cheap thrills. Ahh to be young.

You might not be able to change the DNA or retrain the neurons that make you lazy, disorganized and overweight, but after one of your particularly debaucherous weekends, right when you’ve hit rock bottom, there are a few scientifically proven tips to reboot for a few days, or at least trick your social media followers into thinking you’ve done so. So now onto the tips for a life CTRL-ALT-DELETE for 2017 …

Don’t listen to “8 Ways to Make Your 2017 the Best Year Ever!” or “7 Ways to Reboot Your Pathetic Life in 2017,” for that matter. There’s no magic pill to get your life in order ( … besides Adderall). You’re the keeper of your castle, you have to sleep in the bed you make … and I can’t think of another adage. No one else can get your life in order for you. You’ve been told you’re a special snowflake since birth, and this is no exception.

Do buy an organizer made of real paper. Have your smartphone in your hand? Standing on a concrete surface? Now use what Newton gave us and curb stomp that bad boy (… or just delete calendar app). Your Outlook calendar is not going to cut it this week. If you want to stay organized, go full Amish. Write shit down in an organizer. It’s more likely to stick in your brain and if you’re forced to carry that bad boy around you bet your ass you’re going to read it.

You guessed it, we’re giving away an Ink+Volt 2017 Planner to one lucky Reveler.

Don’t buy stupid shit. Rocking that new Ed Hardy shirt and Von Dutch hat to the local bowl-a-rama will make you feel like the Belle of the Ball but you know what will feel better? Not having your credit card declined for insufficient funds when you’re taking your old lady out to the Pizza Hut. It’s an innately human heuristic flaw (see: begin reading a self-help book to sound smarter) to think that spending more money on stuff will make you a better person. It won’t, dummy.

Do make sure to re-connect. Drake isn’t the only one who used to get calls on his cell phone. Remember middle school when you used to have split TV screen convos a la Saved by the Bell while drowning your sorrows in Sunny D? (Saved by the Bell Meme) Call an OG from your MySpace top 8. Afterall, you might be in the market for a new squad after what you did last weekend. People with better connections tend to be less likely to die sad and alone.

Don’t actually finish reading a self-help book, but you should at least probably start. Step away from the mommy-porn. And put down the Freakonomics. Malcolm Gladwell’s application of economics to drug lords in Chicago is about as relevant to you as Female Rights are to Donald Trump. Read a Tim Ferriss book, listen to How to Win Friends and Influence People on tape, just read SOMETHING. Not only can you talk about how much you read, but you can quote passages in random conversations to sound marginally more intelligent.

Do yourself a favor and eat a fucking salad. And while you’re at it drown your sorrows in the elixir of life (Waterboy Meme). Just because weed is legal doesn’t mean it should be the only leafy green in your diet. Make the Veggie Monster proud and mix in some Vitamins and Minerals you can’t pronounce. Need some motivation? Nothing wrong with a little fat shaming: stream some episodes of Makeover Weightloss Edition. Oh and work the fuck out.

Don’t dive spine-first into the shallow end. Don’t hire a nutritionist, don’t seek electro-therapy and don’t buy gas station sexual enhancement pills (… seriously). These quick fixes are the stuff on QVC millionaires dreams. Buying some snake oil to fix your pathetic existence ain’t going to work, sweet cheeks. Take it a day at a time, and make small, bite sized decisions.

My favorite Armenian rapper, French Montana said it best: don’t panic. You’re going to fail miserably at your resolution and at the tips outlined above. Life isn’t black and white, just make sure you live somewhere comfortably in the gray area. It’s science after all.