Previously in silly things I’ve written:
If you’ve been paying attention, you probably had January 9th circled on your calendar. Not because it featured the culmination of the College Football season with the National Championship game, but because it was the day I promised to declare the winner of the College Football Playoffs. Did I follow through on this promise? Clearly not, why would you even ask? But I was close. Here we go, picking back up with the Sweet Sixteen.
1 Rose Bowl v. 17 Nova Home Loans Arizona Bowl. I’m a little more conflicted now that we’ve reached the Sweet Sixteen because these games have actually happened. How can I in good conscience let the Rose Bowl, which was wildly entertaining, lose to the Nova Home Loans Arizona Bowl, which I had to look up to remind myself who played, and would be lying to you if I said I watched? I really can’t. Winner: Rose Bowl Game Presented by Northwestern Mutual and I’m getting soft
8 Gildan New Mexico Bowl v 24 Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl. Give me literally any College Football game that ends on a game winning field goal. Can you imagine being the LA Tech kid who hits the game winning FG giving them the win against Navy in the Armed Forces Bowl?
Did I just make that nickname up? Yup. Is it gonna stick? You tell me Bulldog Coeds (had my birthday last weekend, so I feel old now and say things like “Coeds”) Not only did this kid probably have the greatest week of his life, but his picture is now saved to my computer so I could put it in this blog. Keep killing it, kid. Winner: Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl
4 Famous Idaho Potato Bowl v 20 Popeyes Bahamas Bowl. It’s tough to pass on a game that had over 1,200 yards of total offense. It also had Idaho, a team that just announced it will become an FCS program in 2018, scoring 61 points on their way to a meaningless victory. Love it. It’s like a ship sinking while the crew frantically tries to get the water overboard, except the boat has already sunk and they’re doing all of this underwater. Winner: Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
37 Foster Farms Bowl v. 12 Military Bowl Presented by Northrup Grumman. Quick reminder (you had no idea obviously) Wake Forest won the Military Bowl 34-26. Second quick reminder (this one you actually may have had an idea) Temple was a 13 point favorite. Third reminder (you probably do remember this) about a month ago, Wake Forest radio analyst Tommy Elrod was dismissed after leaking information about the team. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but might Wake Forest be good? I know Temple isn’t exactly ‘Bama, but I did have a franchise with them in NCAA ’04 when I was like 10 years old, so you tell me Winner: Military Bowl Presented by Northrup Grumman
2 Las Vegas Bowl v. 18 Valero Alamo Bowl. In the last blog I bragged how I was conceived in either a Motel 6 or a Valero gas station. Left y’all with a cliff hanger as to which was the correct answer. Well guess what?!? My mom called me crying (standard practice actually, she’s super disappointed in me) saying how dare I spew slander. After reminding her that slander is spoken and libel is written, she started crying more. So I must submit a retraction. I wasn’t conceived at a Motel 6 or a Valero gas station. I was however conceived at a Chevron in Las Vegas. Winner: Las Vegas Bowl (pretty amazing how this all falls into place if I just make shit up. God damn this whole “writing” thing is easy)
39 TaxSlayer Bowl v. 10 Outback Bowl. I’m all in on TaxSlayer. What a name for a company. I’m like crazy nervous about filing taxes for the first time this spring. Not because I think they’ll be hard or time consuming or whatever, but because I feel like it finally means I’m an adult and shit. Sure, I can write 1500 words making up stories about my mom calling me crying, but does that still mean I’m immature? I’d like to think so, but the proof of having to do taxes soon says otherwise. However, I don’t think adults use something called TaxSlayer. That’s some Jamie Lanister shit. As long as something called TaxSlayer exists, I don’t ever have to grow up. Winner: TaxSlayer Bowl
35 Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl v. 14 Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl. I’m not giving the playoff games a single piece of my respect. They were so boring. I wish the Fiesta Bowl was in the Sweet Sixteen so I could punish them twice. This will have to do I guess. Winner: Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl
6 AutoNation Cure Bowl v. 11 Dollar General Bowl. I’m not really in the “there are too many bowl games” camp. Definitely not a hill I want to die on. However, going through this bracket, it’s amazing how many bowls are between two teams from not real conferences. Every single game I look up is like Sun Belt v. American or MAC v. Moutain West. I’m all for bowl games but I think we should throw in more middle of the road power 5 teams vs. group of 5 teams. These games were Sun Belt v. American and MAC v. Sun Belt so neither fits that description, but I’m gonna give it to the MAC game anyway. Winner: Dollar General Bowl
1 Rose Bowl v. 24 Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl. I have a bone to pick with the Rose Bowl. Why did the Big Ten agree to essentially play an away game every year? I feel like it must’ve been like a Native American trading America for a bead situation. Didn’t realize how bad of an idea it was when it happened. But every year, the B1G travels halfway across the country to Pasadena to play against a team that is probably from California and if not then probably super close. Makes no sense. Winner: Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl
4 Famous Idaho Potato Bowl v. 12 Military Bowl Presented by Northrup Grumman. I honestly just don’t want to have to type Military Bowl Presented by Northrup Grumman again. It takes me a solid 5 seconds to do and that adds up. Winner: Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
2 Las Vegas Bowl v. 39 TaxSlayer Bowl. I was super into TaxSlayer like 6 paragraphs ago. I then looked up their headquarters:
That’s an embarrassment to a company named “TaxSlayer.” That looks more like the headquarters for “Zach Sayer” a guy I just made up but is super creepy and definitely doesn’t deserve a quality headquarters. Up your foundation game or don’t expect to make the Final Four. Winner: Las Vegas Bowl
14 Zaxby’s Heart of Dallas Bowl v. 10 Dollar General Bowl. Both of these bowls skated to the Elite 8 more on the faults of the other games and less on their own merits. I did just go on a semi-rant about terrible teams being involved in bowl games, and I think the 5-7 North Texas Mean Green probably qualify for that. Winner: Dollar General Bowl
Well, not a single team from a power 5 conference is featured in the final four. That’s why we call it January Silliness or something idk. I don’t know where we’re going with this, excited for my stream of consciousness to figure it out
24 Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl v. 4 Famous Idaho Potato Bowl. Let’s go purely on sponsors for this one. We’re looking at Lockheed Martin, one of the largest aerospace companies in the world, and the Idaho Potato Commission. The fucking IPC. I joked earlier about how cocky there were calling themselves famous, but if not the IPC, then whom? There’s not brand recognition like Idaho and potatoes. Maybe Iowa and corn or Mississippi and racism, but you can’t really think of potatoes without thinking Idaho or the other way around. Idaho potatoes are famous, and they just earned their bowl a trip to the championship. Winner: Famous Idaho Potato Bowl
2 Las Vegas B0wl v. 11 Dollar General Bowl. I’ve had it with the Dollar General Bowl. They keep winning due to bad opponents. I’m a big spite guy, I think it’s the best motivation for anything. So I’m stopping the Dollar General Bowl here. Good run guys. Winner: Las Vegas Bowl
Here we go. The finals. As I sit here waiting for the Clemson v. Alabama to kick off, I get to declare a winner between the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl and the Las Vegas bowl. I guess dreams do come true.
4 Famous Idaho Bowl v. 2 Las Vegas Bowl I like the Las Vegas bowl a lot. Let’s paint the picture. Houston starts the season 5-0 and ranked 6th in the nation. They then stumble, losing 2 of the next 3 and 3 of their final 7 (albeit including a win against a then #3 Louisville). They then lose their coach that kisses them a lot to Texas and make a meaningless bowl. Who comes in to rescue them? Some guy named Major Applewhite who admittedly I had never heard of but god damn if that’s not a knight in shining armor name. Major Applewhite. Gives me chills. They head over to Las Vegas, the city who’s slogan is “Where anything can happen” (or something idk). The scene is perfectly set, all Houston has left to do is win. They lose 34-10 to SDSU. Winner: Las Vegas Bowl
So there we have it. The best bowl game of the 2016 bowl game season was played on December 20 and ended in a 24 point loss. What a season. What a playoff. Can’t wait for next year.