What an exciting 48 hours of arrests we just had. First, a die-hard Pats fan is arrested for pulling the fire alarm at the Steelers hotel the night before the AFC Championship. Then, a mere 12 hours later, TMZ releases the video of Pacman Jones in the back of the cop car calling the officer who arrested him a, “bitch ass n****” among other things.
Throughout my 23 years of life, I’ve learned the importance of empathy. It’s essential that we as human beings learn to see life through the another person’s perspective. Contrary to this point, I typically exhibit a lack of emotion that would make a diagnosed sociopath blush. But, it’s a new year and I’m trying to be better at life in general, so permit me to stand up for the accused and act as the aforementioned defendants’ defense lawyer.
If it pleases the court…
In the case of Mr. Pacman Jones, he should not be tried as the sole party responsible for his crime. At the very least, Marvin Lewis needs to be considered an accomplice. Jones was arrested in the early morning hours of Tuesday, January 3rd. That was the Tuesday prior to the NFL’s wild card weekend, in which the Bengals are usually gearing up to lose in stunning fashion to the winner of the AFC South. This year, however, the Bengals finished the year 6-9-1 and were left out of the playoff picture. Any other year, this incident doesn’t happen. Unfortunately, due to Lewis’ inability to lead a winning team, Pacman found himself in a bad spot on that Tuesday. Therefore, in order to be truly just, Marvin Lewis must be included in this trial.
Furthermore, in the case of both of these men, I am under the opinion that our country’s criminal justice system does not do enough for this marginalized group of people. That’s right, I’m referring to drunk people. I have been actively defending the plight of the inebriated for a few years now, and believe it or not, have found myself in a few sticky situations due to my proclivity for gin & tonics.
Court cases in the US are too cut and dry. Much like our political environment, the judicial system is two dimensional: you’re either guilty or not guilty. There simply aren’t enough options to properly analyze these often times complex cases. It’s time we add a new response for the drunk. I call it, the “whoops” plea.
Allow me to explain.
The “whoops” plea is available to those who have been too harshly accused for crimes they committed under the influence of alcohol. In essence, it’s simply a settlement agreement. Those who plea “whoops” will have to complete 4 months of weekly AA classes and pay a $1,500 fine. The state makes a little money, and the court doesn’t waste its time on these trivial cases. However, this plea it will not extend to serious felonies. DUI, manslaughter, rape, or murder will not be condoned. The plea is only available to misdemeanor crimes.
Take for example our Patriots fanatic. He got a little too plastered and acted out of line on a drunken dare. He’s clearly embarrassed and wants to put the whole situation behind him. Why waste anyone else’s time and just settle this thing after he simply utters, “whoops!” It’s foolproof!
It’s time to take action people. Do your duty as an American and write to your state representatives. Now more than ever we need some change in this country, so let’s all be active participants in a cause on which we can all agree. Who knows, the “whoops” plea may end up saving you someday.
PS – The last line of the Newsday article made me laugh out loud. No shit guy, that describes literally every high school athlete at age 25 ever.