9 Reasons WFH Employees CAN’T Go Back To The Office

Once you go WFH, you never go back...
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WFH.  Being a W(ork) F(rom) H(ome) employee is the greatest gift an employer can give.  On the flip side, it makes the one day you actually have to go into the office and GASP…commute, quite possibly the worst.  I don’t wish it upon my worst enemy.

This week I was summoned into the office THREE times after not having been in for over three months.  Below is my Buzzfeed-esque list of what I learned is so awesome about being WFH and why I can never go back.

 

9. Conference Call

This is subtle. In the cube monkey jungle, there are sounds you may only hear in Sub Sahara Africa. I’m talking Alicia’s high pitch sneeze, Tom’s wet mucous cough or maybe even Larry’s elephant farts. All just as foreign and loud to your ear as a high school fire alarm. All I really want is to walk a couple circular laps in my room, look out the window, take a piss on mute, air flick off my client and listen to them bitch about their problems quietly. Is that too much to ask for?

WFH 8- flicking off your client in the comfort of your home is satisfying

8. Lunch

Having to pack a lunch totally fucks with your grocery store game which is sneaky one of the most underrated annoyances of being an adult. Side note; ever try switching grocery stores to one you are not familiar with? Might as well be dropped in Somalia and told to find the Pope . Nothing more soul crushing than carving a new path in the supermarket to Aisle 17 where the packaged fruit cups and pudding pops aisle are. After that, wow it’s time to shuttle off and buy those shitty little Ziploc bags, brown bags and plastic spoons. I’ll just eat out , spend $15 for a sandwich and then work out… Oh wait I’m at the fucking office and I’m too scared to shower in the men’s locker room at Gold’s.

WFH #7- New Grocery Stores Suck

7. Colleague Banter

The stares you get when your cube mates see you swipe that badge could cut glass. The inevitable “humor” about how little you come into the office is a fine reminder of why you never go in to begin with. Brush up on your commuting jokes to rebut though. True WFH warriors will have colleagues rolling out the red carpet when they arrive since they have brainwashed them into thinking they are actually important.

5. Car Expense

Having your car sit idle during the week means your only expense is a car wash to get the dirt off. Somebody cue Jay-Z.

WFH 5- Jay-Z's Dirt Off Your Shoulder Dance

5. Distractions

My little kept secret is I watch a shit ton of daytime soccer and I have become a Liverpool hooligan and now dance like the below GIF when I complete a spreadsheet. If I don’t get my fix, I’m like a junkie in withdrawal. Not having to Alt-Tab out of Gchat when an executive walks by is an added plus.

WFH 4- This is how I Dance when I finish a spreadsheet

4. Clothing

Sweats, hoodie and slippers vs slacks, dress shirt and shoes. Take your GQ subscription, walk to your kitchen and deposit into the trash.

*Regina has the right idea*

3. Free Time

Clearly the largest perk to the WFH game is being able to perform any task, errand or “emergency” while still punching the clock. Take away my prime 10 AM gym spot and I complain like Lena Dunham being forced to stay at a Trump Hotel during Inaguration

 

2. Sleep

Waking up when it’s dark out can cripple even the most positive person.  More depressing than Manchester By The Sea.  When I look at my calendar and realize my first meeting is not till 10 AM, that alarm gets set for 9:50 AM

1. Poop Schedule

Humans have habits. Humans also exhibit anxiety when said habit gets changed. If I don’t poop before I get out the door, it’s all I think about and my work goes to literal and figurative shit.

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