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An Objective, Non-Partisan Overview of Donald Trumps Performance So Far
Donald Trump
Do You Have Any Idea How Exhausting it is To Keep Up With Trumps Fuck-ups?

This blog was supposed to be posted 2 weeks ago. At least 4 different versions were ready to be posted since then, but it got to you today. Do you know why? Because I literally can’t keep up with Trumps pace of doing bad and/or stupid things. Every 12 hours, the material becomes obsolete. I finish recapping the awful transition; he dominates the news on Day 1 by being physically incapable of admitting his crowd was smaller than Obamas- literally staring down visual proof without blinking. The minute I start writing about it, that reanimated dead body going by the name Kellyanne Conway basically plagiarizes George Orwell by using the phrase “Alternative Facts”, while somehow keeping her 2 day-old corpse face completely straight.

Within 72 Goddamn Hours,

He tried to wipe out climate change data until scientists fulfilled their high school dream by refusing to be shoved into a locker and telling the bully to go fuck himself, then basically half the State Department realized they didn’t have the energy to keep up with a perpetual string of calamities for the next 4 years and promptly peaced out all at once…. and before I could even crack my knuckles, the travel ban came and buried everything else. Luckily, since this is a country where a D-list celebrity caught saying the N-word 10 years ago is enough to create a national controversy, I knew a straight up ban on Muslims would stay in the spotlight long enough for a keystroke or two.

I’m Not An Expert? Well Did You Live In DC For a Couple Months? That’s What I Thought, Listen Up

Alright- after hours of research, what I’ve gathered so far is that it appears as though our President may possess a mild distaste for subtlety. I don’t mean to fly off the handle with such a shot in the dark, but here me out: We all knew immigration was going to be harder, and we all knew Muslims were going to be scrutinized on some level- whether it was through tougher vetting, being put on a list, or otherwise. That being said, GODDAMN he really didn’t hesitate publicly swinging for the fences on this one. Not issuing a stricter set of immigration laws, not expanding an FBI watch list for potential Islamic radicals- which- regardless of morality, would have an understandable appeal for their potential security benefits. I’m actually much harsher on the whole Islam thing than most educated people located within 100 miles of a major body of water, so this was the one topic that didn’t make me punch a wall when Trump opened his mouth on the campaign trail. But-

This….This is No Good. This is No Good At All.

No benefits, no upside- a complete and utter absence of things one would describe as good. The entire idea of restricting Muslims or any other group of people is that it has a tradeoff that people in charge think is worth it- as in, “being mean to some people, but keeping other people safe”, if you pardon my use of complex academic terminology. This just has the “being mean to people” part, and considering that being mean to people in this situation dramatically increases the likelihood of one of those people doing something VERY mean back to you, it really doesn’t include the second half of the equation, which is really the only good part.

The Real Insight You Won’t Find Anywhere Else

HOWEVER, this all makes sense according to an ironclad theory I came up with when Trump was making insane picks for his cabinet. I couldn’t make head or tails of it until I found out that his right hand man (and potential antichrist) Steve Bannon originally made his fortune investing in Seinfeld back in the day…. and now all of this nonsense finally makes sense. Are you ready? You owe me one earth-shattering insight after this…. Okay, here you go: Trump has gone full Costanza, and has dedicated himself to the strategy of “Doing The Opposite”. Much like George switched his sandwich from tuna to chicken salad then immediately landed a beautiful woman, Trump is doing the exact opposite of what a regular President would do, confident the process will eventually lead the country to glory. Seriously, just take a look at who he picked to help run the world:

Seriously, You Guys. Look At This List. Just Please Look.
  • Head of Environmental Protection AgencyScott Pruitt: Climate change denier. Just straight up denies it. Not even in the “well we need more evidence before concluding…” stance. Just think it’s a falsehood all the smartest people in the world got tricked into believing by directly observable evidence.
  • Attorney General– Jeff Sessions: Old-school 1950’s-style racist whose stance on pot is “Good people don’t smoke weed”. Good to know he’s a critical thinker who doesn’t regard Reefer Madness as a historical documentary.
  • Campaign Manager & AdvisorKellyann Conway: A role often regarded as the “face” of the campaign, this particular one being occupied by an impressively well-preserved mummy. At least that would explain her lack of humanity, since she’s not technically alive.
  • Vice PresidentMike Pence: The job of the VP is to stay in the background, and don’t make a fuss. Just remain generally pleasant and you’re perfect. This one actually works out alri- nope wait he thinks electricity can turn gay people straight.

P.S. Could you imagine what that no good bitch Hillary would be doing right now? Probably laying the foundation for the next 4 years discreetly and quietly (in order to hide more shit, typical), not even letting inner circle disputes get to the public (sweeping shit under the rug, as per usual), most likely not even bothering to question the results of an election she won (lazy, no stamina, selfish). Thank God the American people were sick of the establishment, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.

 

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