ER Writers’ Round Table: National Pizza Day

What do our degenerate writers think makes or breaks a solid pie?

Pizza.  A simple enough dish, but all too easy to take right off the rails and create nothing but a worthless sauce Frisbee if you add the wrong ingredients.  Gone are the days of your childhood when pizza was just tacklin’ fuel to get back out there and play more games and win more tickets while some addict in a rat costume walked around making everyone’s parents uncomfortable.  Now pizza sparks debate across all media, ruining friendships with the arguments it creates.  Everyone’s got their go to pie, and no one understands why the hell you’re ruining a perfectly good pizza putting whatever the fuck that is you just put on yours.  For National Pizza Day we took an ER Writers’ Round Table and asked our writers what sort of pies they reach for when they need that creative spark to keep churning out fire content.  

RonnieV @AyePaisano:

Ronnie feels strongly about pizza.  I wish I didn’t live halfway across the country from this guy so I could have him take me to his favorite pizza place and watch how sexual things get between him and some oven fire slices.  Unfortunately all I have is his description of pizza which I feel like if I were watching in person would come with quite a bit of gesticulations, probably knife hands right in my face.  Regardless, here’s Ronnie’s perfect pizza.

First and foremost is the sauce.  There can be too much sauce as Lil Uzi Vert (who?) has said many times before.  A ladle full is enough to spread around the pie.  The sauce does not have to be exuberant by any means; your basic homemade zugu (Sicilian slang for a red sauce) will work just fine.  Being from Connecticut, New Haven style pizza is my go to and the pizza is made in a coal-fired oven.  That makes it extra crispy and almost even burned a tad bit underneath, which I am a huge fan of.  The crust I prefer to be crispy and extra thin.  Thick crust is overrated.  If you dare put ranch on pizza, I reserve the right to smack the pizza out of your hand and take the rest of your pizza.  Fruit on pizza is a hard no.  Don’t come at me with your Hawaiian Pizza.  That shit is straight trash.  Stop ruining pizza with your weird experimentation, it’s disrespectful to pizza and you don’t deserve to have a pizza in the first place if that’s how you’re going to treat it.  Ultimately my go to if it’s not the best pizza in the world from Frank Pepe Pizzeria Napoletana (White Clam Pizza) I’m getting a classic Margarita, Bacon & Onion, Chicken & Broccoli, or Buffalo Chicken.

Good stuff.  Solid points.  Going to have to agree to disagree with some parts, but more on that later.  Overall Ronnie makes an excellent case for Entry Revel pizza guru if not with his knowledge then his passion.  Would definitely trust the guy to order me a slice.

Cat Noble @Cat_Noble:

Cat’s a personal trainer who when she’s not dropping hits on the site she’s running her own business, so when she hopped on the discussion board I gotta admit I was a little nervous we were going to get some sort of Whole Lean Slim for You 30 Gluten Free pizza.  But this is 2017 and we at Entry Revel welcome all pizza takes, no matter how unorthodox.

I’m generally one of those annoying healthy people when it comes to most food situations, but for pizza I make an exception.  Requirements for me to forego dreams of six pack abs and consume dough.

  1. Must be accompanied by equally unhealthy alcoholic beverage
  2. New York Style > Chicago deep dish EVERY TIME
  3. There better be some M’Fuckin cheesy bread for an appetizer.

Love it.  The cheesy bread, the accompanying booze which I’m going to assume is beer.  Solid combos.  Cat’s requirements for pizza don’t make a meal, they make an experience.  Holla at ya boy next time you need someone to bring the cheesy bread.

Liz Van Name @liz_a_belle:

Every group has one.  We’re all human and none of us are perfect.  My glaring flaw is that I like sports teams in Texas and that’s going to lead to heart failure before I’m 50.  For Liz Van Name….well I’ll let her tell it because this is a safe environment and we’re all friends here.

I don’t like pizza, ok?  There I said it.  It’s just not my thing.  I’m sorry if that really upsets you, and yes, I’m like 90% sure I’m a human, but when it comes to pizza I’d just rather not at all.  Haters gonna hate.

Well, she’s right about one thing.  Haters gonna hate.  But I feel like she could take this unique taste and turn it into a profitable little case study with the Mayo Clinic or something.   I mean I know in all my 26 years I’ve never met someone who didn’t like pizza.  At least not someone who was brave enough to be so open about it anyway.  Admire the courage Liz.

Ken J @KentuckyNomad:

Since Ken is our in house legal eagle AND grad school graduate, my expectations on his pizza opinion are pretty high.  There’s no telling how much pizza dude’s consumed during his school career, or how much pizza he’ll continue to consume as he burns the midnight oil poring over the details of some high profile case.  Luckily Ken did not disappoint.

The trick is to find something you like but other people hate so nobody sneaks slices while you’re refilling your whiskey.  With my parents banana peppers are all it takes because they think all peppers are hot even if they’re pretty much zesty pickles.  If I have to break out the big guns I’ll add anchovies.  Also pepperonis by default.

Leave it to the attorney to provide the best non-confrontational yet still effective way to insure the safety of the entirety of one’s pie.  Genius.  And the whiskey and pizza combo is big too.  10/10 would recommend to any who have yet to try.

AJ @andyjglagman:

After having read AJ’s pizza take I feel like he would be better served quitting whatever it is he’s currently doing and becoming a wandering shaman guide.  His take was thoughtful, helpful, and provided enough insight that I can say I feel totally informed to order pizza now.

Having lived in the pizza mecca of NYC the main thing to consider when deciding is what it is you want.  If you want quality go find a mom and pop shop.  If it’s your first time, get plain cheese.  Ordering plain cheese allows you to truly taste the quality of the dough and sauce without any toppings to impede your judgment.  On the flip side, if you’re going cost effective, it’s Domino’s all the way.  Medium hand made pan, extra cheese and pepperoni with some cheesy bread on the side (cheesy bread is more popular among our writers than I thought it’d be).  Consume in one sitting to get all the benefits of its deliciousness, but be prepared for the unknown digestive terror this meal may wreak.

I would have never thought to walk into a mom and pop shop and get cheese.  Or anywhere for that matter and get just a plain cheese.  Now I know.  Thanks AJ, O wise one.

BBisgard @BrianBisgard:

My take is probably going to rub some of our writers the wrong way, but my politics already does such a good job of that they should be pretty well used to it by now.

I don’t discriminate with pizza.  Domino’s?  I’m down.  $18 for a personal size wood fire artisan with toppings you grew in your backyard?  I’m in.  My standard is pepperoni with jalapenos, mushrooms, and black olives, but Antonio’s here in College Station has some pretty wild combos like Spicy Beef Taco, Portobello Steak, and my personal favorite, Honey Mustard Chicken.  Going there for their $9 two slices and a drink combo for lunch during my undergrad years opened my eyes that pizza is like art.  It’s a playground and you can’t let culinary stuffiness and tradition prevent your taste buds from experiencing something as wonderful as a mac and cheese pizza.  I mean the first guy that made a pizza had to be pretty brave himself so follow in his footsteps and try that lobster mac and cheese pie you’ve been staring at.  Also ranch all day every day because this is Texas and ranch comes out of our faucets.

There it is.  Our writers’ not so humble opinions on what makes or breaks a pizza.  Give us your thoughts in the comment section.  If you found a take particularly spicy, Twitter handle’s right there, catch us in our mentions.

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