We have all received countless lessons on how to ultimately cure one of the worst feelings in the world: the hangover.
With help from Tylenol, water, and a lot of other bullshit, we’ve kind of mastered this topic.
I’d like to bring up something on the other end of the spectrum that would benefit us all – drinking on a budget.
For all those wondering, here’s how to get drunk faster, and stay drunk longer.
I’m quite an expert on this, thanks to four years of university partying and (somewhat unsuccessful) budgeting.
Whether you’re trying to avoid consuming the unnecessary calories, spending the extra cash, or the amount of vodka remaining in the bottle is so far off from where you remembered (thank you, Friday Night), here’s how to make something out of nothing.
Disclaimer: do not try at home if you have doubts regarding your ability to take care of self.
1. Eat a light dinner, earlier on in the night.
The rate of intoxication is slower after eating. Having food in the stomach slows down the absorption process. Science guys, science.
Save the eating for on the way home.You know you want to.
And on that note…
2. No mixed drinks.
Take it back like a pro in one shot. This way, that cranberry juice won’t absorb any of your previously ingested alcohol.
Mixed drinks are always unenjoyable – and if they aren’t, chances are you poured your alcohol rations sparingly. Like, if you were asked to eat a bar of soap, wouldn’t you do it really fast and get it done and dusted? Or would you rather have the taste lingering in your mouth for the remainder of the night as you go for the occasional lick?
Avoiding the mixed drink kills two birds with one stone.
If the mixed drink is inevitably headlining your night, you may want to swap your juice for diet soda, seeing as studies have found that the same amount of liquor causes higher intoxication depending on the mixer.
3. Pick your poison properly.
Stick to drinks with higher alcohol contents.
In this case, less is obviously more. I’m definitely no math wiz, actually quite far from it, but I’ll probably feel drunker after drinking 250ml of vodka, than that of pinot grigio. While I sometimes go weak at the knees for a glass of the good stuff, I save it for nights spent in solitude at home.
4. Don’t stop drinking.
Not only will you avoid that hangover but I’m pretty sure that there was a Magic Schoolbus episode about how storing a hearty percentage of alcohol in your blood stream will make getting drunk easier.