Sure they’re cute, loyal companions and furry four-legged panty or boxer droppers, but are you actually ready for a dog? Take our test …
That bitch costs a lot to raise. You can find Rover for a bargain at your local shelter, but he’s gonna need his shots (don’t tell the anti-vaxxers), toys so he doesn’t eat your Ikea furniture, special dog food, because no vet ever recommends the cheap stuff and plenty of treats to train him to do cool things (why else would you get a dog?).
Do you make middle management money or have a trust fund?
No: Do not pass go, do not collect a cute dog.
Yes: If so, continue …
Did you find the next Airbud?
No: Pass on that doggy in the window.
Yes: Tell us how internet fame feels, and continue …
He’s going to take up a ton of your time. Fido is going to need constant attention. Attention that you can’t give him when you’re doing your manager’s bitch work until 10 PM every night and having adult co-ed sleepovers regularly.
Is your boss a dick?
Yes: Go all Horrible Bosses on that motherf****r and step away from Rover, since you aren’t mentally stable.
No: Continue …
Are you spontaneous?
Yes: The Humane society frowns upon forgetting to feed your dog while you’re on a last minute trip to Bali. You’re not to be trusted with a pooch.
No: Spice it up nerd, and continue …
Do you have a psycho ex, ESL delivery man, “Kramer to your Jerry” or family member who will take care of your dog?
No: You’re a social outcast and have bigger problems.
Yes: Trick question. Just like wildfire prevention, only YOU can prevent lonely dogs …
Puppy’s turn into dogs. There is no doubt that puppies are the cutest thing on earth and that puppy videos have fought off more depression than Prozac. But the harsh reality is that these infants turn into full grown dogs in less than 3 years.
Do you want a puppy or a dog?
Puppy: Remember Marley and Me? That’s what happens to old dogs. If you don’t have the mental fortitude to handle that, NEVER get a dog.
Dog: Continue …
You’re on the hook for 12 years. Arguably not as long as an illegitimate human child, your obligation to a dog can range anywhere from 10-15 years depending on breed.
Do you plan on dying soon?
Yes: Seek immediate medical attention and do not get a dog. There is nothing sadder than a Sarah Mclachlan commercial, orphaned dog.
No: Are you sure? Ok, continue …
You’re going to become a dog person. Granted it’s not as bad as being a cat person, but you will begin referring to your dog as a child, signing birthday cards “from” it, and annoyingly working it into conversation wherever possible.
Are you ok with having bone-shaped car magnets and being a social pariah?
No: You’re soft and you don’t deserve a dog.
Yes: You MIGHT be ready to get a dog.
If you are still reading, you MIGHT be ready to get a dog. If at any point during this quiz you questioned whether or not you should get a dog, I highly recommend not getting a dog. Sure they’re cute and cool but so was your Tomagachi … and he’s been in a box in the basement for the last 8 years.
Since I don’t want PETA activists throwing red paint on my fur coat, here is an actual quiz to see if you are ready to get a dog.