The Best Young Professional Performance Enhancing Drug Is …

Somewhere between Oxycontin and Advil is Toradol. It’s not quite the stuff Smash Williams was mainlining in season 1 of FNL, but it’ll still shut down your kidney faster than a bite from a chupacabra infected with Tetanus. It falls into the same drug category as Advil, but did I mentioned it’s used in assisted suicides?

And the NFL is administering it at an alarming rate. Like, 90% of players alarming. So it got me thinking: there are lots of PEDs in the sports industry …. just ask the guy you went to high school with who sells steroids outside of the local GNC. But what are the equivalent performance enhancers in “standard” professions?

Let’s get to the power rankings:

1-SEEDS:

Coffee: And by that I mean caffeine. If you drink decaf, you probably have a fridge full of O’Douls and a cupboard full of fat-free potato chips, you psycho. Coffee will help you get the day started but is it a closer?

Adderall: Ahh, every college student and young professionals favorite little blue pill. This stuff would make you interested in a podcast about bowel movements from two IBS sufferers. If you happen to catch this Asian Olympic gymnast focus in a bottle and harness for the greater good of your companies shareholders, you’ll have a more productive day than the guy who invented the fucking Palm Pilot. But beware of honing said laser-like focus on various social media accounts, answering questions on Quora or rearranging your files by customer ethnicity. This rabbit hole is not to be fucked with.

2-SEEDS:

Hangover IV drip: In case you didn’t know, I’m a bigger proponent of hangover IV drips than I am of casual sex. It’s the only thing on God’s green earth than can rehabilitate my dehydrated hippocampus and broken psyche. And it is far and away the best way to be remotely productive on a Friday post-Thursday-night-happy-hour-turned-strip-club-body-sushi buffet (thanks, Billions).

Micro-dosing: I don’t use LSD, mostly because I didn’t fight in Vietnam and I’ve only been to one Phish concert. (Legal Disclaimer: And because it’s illegal) But nevertheless it has been utilized by more than one startup founder to open his eyes to the final line of code or to extract just the right formula to take a video from sick to viral. Don’t believe me?

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But first, a Zack Morris timeout.

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3-SEEDS:

“Casual”/”Recreational” drugs: I’m not condoning using drugs or alcohol at or before work … you’re not a line chef at a Ruby Tuesday for Christ’s sake. But what if you had that extra social lubricant or chill pill you’re so drawn to on the weekend to absolutely kill that presentation? Asking for a friend. It’s not illegal (in most states), it’s just frowned upon.

Free food: Nothing can rally a team like a “leftover pizza in the pantry” email. I’m talking flipping the switch from talks of mutiny to following General Custer blindly intoLittle Big Horn. Endorphins will be released, high fives will be had.

4-SEEDS:

Ketamine: Kidding, you fucking drug addict.

Onnit or other OTC focus-oriented snake oil: I can’t listen to 15-minutes of a Joe Rogan podcast without having an entire bottle of these gas station vitamins being shoved directly down my throat. So let’s go to the tape …. Amazon reviews:


THE FINAL 4

One word: chalk.

So who ya got?