Beach Bod Season Gym Etiquette

Just know, if you're one of these people, there's a chance we all hate you

I can’t say I have a lot of pet peeves in life. Loud chewers, rush hour traffic, 2:00am lines at the gyro truck outside my favorite local bar, and girls on Bumble who match, but don’t message are all on the short list of things which bug the hell out of me. Above all of this though, there is a crop of people who, even more than the lovely ghosters of Bumble, just overcook my grits even more on a daily basis, and it’s those people who do not know how to handle themselves in the gym.

Whether it be grunting like the Williams sisters at Wimbledon or collecting all the free weights like you’re trying to star on Hoarders, we all do things which piss other people off while we work out. Now, I’m not claiming to be some sort of expert on gym etiquette, but as an average guy who tries his best to get in the gym every day, simply trying to keep beer and taco weight off, I feel like I’m qualified enough to shed some light on a few of the things we do in the gym which irk those around us and how we can improve said flaws.

The Hoarders

Honestly, you are the worst types of people and there is a special place in hell for you. I didn’t know you needed the 10, 30, and 55 pound dumbbells, two benches, a barbell, a side of fries, the kitchen sink, and the exercise ball for one set of whatever you’re doing. Oh, you’re done with that workout now? Great! Maybe I can us one of the be…….Oh. Never mind. You’re now adding the 45 pound dumbbells to your landfill of free weights using one bench for yourself and the other for your personal weight rack and cell phone holder. Awesome.

No. You are actually literally the worst. You are not the only person in the gym. You are not the only one using those free weights. Honestly, it is not that hard to put the weights away when you are done with them. Walk your lazy ass five feet and put the weights on the rack. Trust me, people will quit berating you under their breathe and just destroying you on Twitter if you do it.

The Grunters

Oh man. Where to start? You Grunters can get credit where credit is due. If you’re maxing out on bench, hitting 400 for the first time, and you need that extra push to get it back up, you can have the one, strong, motivational grunt. Other than that, if you’re pumping out 400 crunches and every time you come up, there’s a tennis-style grunt, you’re doing too much. If you’re on the struggle bus with 5 pound dumbbells and the grunts are becoming second nature, consider going down in weight. Otherwise, if you want to grunt, play tennis.

The Chat Chitters

Conversations are for the bar, not the gym. Flirting with that hot girl / hot guy you’ve been staring at for 2 months on the treadmill is for the treadmill directly beside said person, not between sets. Moreover, having headphones in is the universal sign for “DO NOT DISTURB”, so don’t try and have conversations with people who have them in.

If you’re working out in a group, I get it, it’s a great way to keep yourself motivated, get a spot, and just stay entertained, but when there are four of you on one machine, chatting for 45 minutes between each one’s set couldn’t be more annoying to those of us waiting to use said machine. Get in, get out, get done. Rub each other’s biceps later.

The Human Puddles

You just ran 5 miles, it’s time for you to get a lift in, you lay on that bench, and it’s like you just went back-first into the public pool. I understand that it’s totally normal not to carry your own towel to the gym. Think about this though- how many different sweaty men and women probably used that same bench throughout the day? Honestly, it takes less than 2 minutes for you to walk over, grab a Clorox wipe, and wipe the bench. No one wants to bathe in your sweat.

The Smelly Cats

With sweat, comes stink. But not all stink comes with sweat. There are people who feel the need to Abercrombie and Douche themselves up before going into the gym. If I can smell your Jersey Shore-inspired cologne / perfume from more than 6 inches away, it’s way too much. What makes things worse is when you mix the colognes / perfumes of multiple people with the natural body odor of the same people with the undeodorized filth monsters we all know. It’s never a good mix. Deodorant and a splash of cologne / perfume, and you’re good to go.

#SelfieKingsAndQueensWhoNeedToIntstagramAndSnapchatThemselvesFlexingInTheMirror

Congratulations on your #abs, #ass, #biceps, #triceps, and #vascularity.

It’s pretty safe to say we’re all guilty of this in a satirical way. The occasional “I’d rather be eating a hamburger” Snapchat between sets is socially acceptable. There’s also the occasional, and more serious, #TransformationTuesday (ps- No lie, couldn’t be happier for your discipline people; losing weight is hard, so good on ya). There are people that suck the fun out of this though. They spend 10-15 minutes in front of the mirror, making sure they get the correct angle as to show peak bicep bulge. I mean, if you didn’t take a #selfie, did you even workout?

It’s about to be beach season, folks. See you all in the gym for 3 days in a row, and never again after that.

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OMA. "That's so Shravan" is the proper way to say my name. Brown-ish guy, Southern-ish accent. Tennessee Volunteer. I like Michelob Ultra, Bachelor/ette Mondays, Tacos, Brunch, and Harry Potter. Super like me on Tinder.
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