I Tried A Virtual Personal Assistant For a Month So You Don’t Have To

In a world where apps, gadgets and chips you can insert into your offspring dominate the Silicon Valley landscape, wouldn’t it be nice to find a...
Virtual Personal Assistant

[Movie Preview Voice] In a world where apps, gadgets and chips you can insert into your offspring dominate the Silicon Valley landscape, wouldn’t it be nice to find a service that harkens back to a simpler time? … Before you could find someone to sleep with you via the App store, before you could order a Pizza from your shoes and even before your dick pics disappeared there was something so simple a caveman with a TracFone could use it …

Magic is your time machine back to the good old days of T9 and ten cent text messages.

 

It’s an idea so simple you’ll be mad you didn’t think of it. Ready for it? YOU TEXT A REAL PERSON AND ASK THEM TO DO SOMETHING, AND THEY DO IT.

 

The last time you had a personal servant was when your brother broke your mom’s favorite vase in the 3rd grade and promised 3 weeks of servitude in return for you not snitching. Sure, rich people have personal assistants, but you’re not rich. So how can you afford this “luxury” service?

 

It’s Magic, duh. But no lovely assistants are getting cut in half. The founder and his company make business magic … not to be confused with shady business practices. Their 24-hour concierge staff waits on your every need from getting you directions to finding a dog that can drive (I’m not kidding either). They will literally do ANYTHING (that is legal). They have had some weird requests  …

This white-glove service for the common man comes with a common man price tag: $35 per hour. Not for the McDonalds crowd, but cheaper than a night out for most young professionals. And unlike when you keep track of your billable hours these honest Abe’s track their “Magic” duties to the minute, so no rounding up and no screwing you over.

 

And everything is completely customizable … since there’s a real person and all. Want them to STFU while you Netflix and chill? Just tell them. Want them to text your sorry ass goodnight? They’ll do it. NO. QUESTIONS. ASKED.

 

So when they offered me a discounted trial, my mind raced like a kid on Nickelodeon’s Super Toy Run. Where do I start?

 

USE #1

 

Ahh the joys of not having to have the awkward conversational foreplay that is small talk:

 

“Find me a cleaning lady.”

 

Not even a “please” and I got a response that would make Mr. Rogers sound like a douche:

 

“Hi Tyler, absolutely! When are you looking to have someone clean your apartment and can you tell me more about your apartment (number of rooms, square footage etc.)?

 

Straight to the point. No bullshit. Just take my money.

 

Within an hour Magic had reviewed local cleaners and given me a list of estimates based on the info I gave them. I even had Magic call my building to ask about the protocol for letting a stranger into my apartment. Because why would I want to talk to the doorman that I walk by every single day?

 

The cleaning lady crushed it, didn’t steal anything and I still haven’t had to talk to anyone.

 

USE #2

 

Remember that time I built a social media hacking machine? I might have the coding skills of your grandmother (the dead one) but I have the outsourcing skills of a Six Sigma ninja. I created an Instagram supply chain with just a few text messages.

 

After a little hashtag and user research, and some succinct instructions I asked my friends at Magic to do some strategic following of Instagram account. I asked them to do so at random times so as to fly under Instagram’s spamming radar and only to add certain accounts based on my specified demographics … which is a pain in the ass if you didn’t know. So how’d they do?

 

… they grew my followers by 15% in a week. NBD.

 

USE #3

And what kind of blogger would I be without using Magic for a little trolling?

 

Far and away my biggest abuse of the power at my fingertips was Rick Rolling my friends. You know, that internet prank from like 10 years ago where you send a friend a link, they open it and instead of what they thought it would be, “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley would start playing? Each and every one of my friends was Rick-Rolled over the last few weeks from a random number.

 

Magic would have been a game-changer for Bart Simpson prank-calling Moe’s Tavern. What could have been?!

 

Bottom Line

 

If your time is worth more than $35 per hour, you should stop what you’re doing, congratulate yourself for living above the poverty line and get Magic. It does what Siri and Alexa wish they could, AND you don’t need to repeat yourself like 17 times when Siri can’t understand you because you’re slurring your words post-happy hour. Until technology gets on the Jetsons level, Magic is the easiest way to get shit done.

 

And don’t underestimate the emotional boost of being a power user of your own life. Having a personal assistant will have you fucking shit up like Ari Gold (although we do not condone treating the Magicians at Magic like Lloyd from Entourage.) Our lawyers won’t let me legally say that your stress levels will drop, your confidence will go through the roof and you’ll be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound but you’ll definitely feel all the feels of having your shit together if you use Magic.

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