Earth Day Special Report: California is Having a Salad Drought

We have come upon dire times, my friends. We’re on the brink of WWIII, college prices have never been higher, and worst of all, California is having a salad drought. Please take a moment if you need to before continuing. I have family in California, and upon learning this news I made an effort to give them a call to be sure that everything is ok. If you have family on the left coast, you may want to check in with them.

According to Bloomberg: California, who has been complaining about a drought for the last couple of years, got WAY too much rain in the early portion of 2017. In addition to the excess liquid they were seeing, the winter in California and Arizona was milder (Seriously? It’s Arizona, it’s always mild.) than usual, leading to a shorter winter growing season. See? Global warming really is having an effect on our day to day lives, thanks, Donald Trump! I truly feel for the residents of California as they traverse these dire times.

Pray for California

I have a proposition for the Californians, in order for them to overcome the spring/summer from hell. The Summer Without Salad will be a truly trying time for the people of the West Coast. To help them out, I have come up with what I think is a pretty great idea. It’s something that I’ve been working on for years now, and if implemented properly, should help relieve the stress of a salad shortage. You ready? Ok, here goes: DON’T EAT SALAD. Seriously. Just stop eating salad, Californians. It’s that simple! If you don’t eat salad, then there’s no shortage. Salad is gross anyway, so do yourselves a favor and just stop eating it altogether. They can always feed the lettuce to the rabbits next summer.

Not Japan, too!

Japan is in a similar boat, according to our friends over at Bloomberg, who apparently only report on obscure food shortages now. The Japanese food shortage is of a slightly starchier nature. Japan is facing a devastating potato chip deficit. Awkward family parties across the region are feeling the effects that come with a lack of greasy discs of potato. Where will I go to avoid talking to Uncle Dave? What will I eat so I don’t get too drunk and embarrass my family like last Thanksgiving? These are the scenarios that the Japanese are facing. Bags of chips are going for $12 a pop. That’s more than a pack of cigarettes in NYC, so you know it’s bad. It’s a lesson in economics. If there are no potato chips, and people still want potato chips by the bushel, the prices will go up quite a bit.

Unfortunately, the Japanese are on their own in this scenario. I don’t have a quick easy solve for them. Maybe switch to popcorn? Do they have popcorn in Japan? Maybe switch to one of those weird poop desserts? I don’t know, I have faith in the Japanese people, though. They’ll pull through.