‘Twas the Morning of Draft Night

The Super Bowl for those who excel in mediocrity.

As a Browns fan, there’s not a whole lot that I get to root for throughout the NFL season. Minicamp comes, I convince myself they can’t be that bad, but as it turns out, the Browns are that bad each and every year. While most fans spend the first game of the season reveling in the fact that their Sundays are now filled with football and booze well through Christmas, I spend the first Sunday of every year frantically scanning the schedule trying to find the one game this team may actually win.

But Draft night is different.

The NFL Draft is the only part of the year that I can really look forward to. It’s the only thing the Browns have a decent shot of winning. It’s the only time of year where the worse that you are, the more you’re rewarded. Somehow, someway, the Browns seem to reap those rewards year in and year out.

Granted, Cleveland’s front office doesn’t exactly have the best track record when it comes to the draft but with a new front office and a coach I actually like, things don’t look nearly as bleak this year. So, in honor of this new found optimism in Cleveland, I felt inspired to write a blog that captures that new essence of hope, while paying my respects to the drafts gone wrong of the past decade.

‘Twas the Morning of Draft Night

‘Twas the morning of Draft Night

and the Browns have first pick

Fans all throughout Cleveland thought

“this year may not suck dick!”

They dawned all their jerseys

From Anderson to Quinn

Everyone hoping and praying

For more than one win.

Then what to their

wondering eyes should appear

But Johnny Manziel

his eyes actually look clear!

“He could be great,”

Mel Kiper once said

“as long as one day

he isn’t found dead.”

Then all prior quarterbacks

the Browns decided to own

came to the fans head

which led them to groan

“Oh Couch, oh Dorsey

Oh Campbell and Frye

Oh Wallace and Weeden

God, please let us just die..”

Feeling down and discouraged

the Dawg Pound found the nearest bar

Dreading this year my be like last

where they don’t draft their star.

Down their gullets did go

pints of Miller and Bud

‘Til they fell off their stools

hitting the ground with a thud.

They spoke not a word

just laid there in silence

as John Brenkus broke down prospects

that stupid nerd on Sports Science.

So to the Browns, if you read this

please pick with sound merit

Get us a D-lineman

Just draft Myles Garrett!

He’s strong, he’s quick

there’s no need to get risky

please take the sure thing

Actually, fuck it, draft Mitchell Trubisky!!

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The Office Sports Guy

SAT Score: 1850 - 640, 610, 600. My counselor said she'd never seen someone, "so well-rounded." Favorite Winter Olympic Sport: 1.) Curling 1A.) Biathlon. Both started ironically and have grown to genuine love. Celebrity to grab drinks with: Jesus. Nobody is better at mixing in a water than that guy.
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