I’ve Still Got $7,451.53 in Debt (AND a Failed Business)

Hello, it’s me.



Miss me? I know there were rumors flying around that I revoked my citizenship and ghosted a la Eduardo Saverin to duck my crushing debt, but alas it is not true. I am alive, well and still trying to #MakeDebtMyBitch


Just to catch everyone up, I used a little bit of my tax return to pay down my debt. But remember, a tax return IS NOT FREE MONEY.


Last time we chatted, I talked about how I wasn’t just going to try and save money, but I was going to go on the offense and try to make some (legal) loot. I’m too good looking to sell Rodan and Fields and my family all has Cutco knives from a previous stint with the firm … so I thought outside of the box …


Meet “Eulogist on Demand.” An aunt recently passed away, and as the most well-established orator of my family, I was asked to prepare a few words. Great, no problem, knocked em dead.


As a consummate man of commerce, this got me thinking, is there a way to profit off of the ill fortune of others? If grave diggers, hospices, and funeral homes could clean up servicing the deceased, what about their vulnerable … I mean rightfully distraught family? Of course, I wasn’t the first sadist to think of writing eulogies for grieving relatives. Apparently writing college essays and composing eulogies seems to be the most lucrative form of written word since mommy porn.


But still, I persisted. I’ll undercut them, I’ll do a better job than them, I’ll sell myself as a complete package. To test my theory, I set up a quick post on the place you’re most likely to go to overcome the doldrums of familial loss: Craigslist …




The response was more overwhelming that I thought … first from furious purists who thought my idea was a “travesty” and was “preying on the weak” and eventually from Craigslist management. I’m not sure if you’ve seen Craigslist lately, but the fact that I was banned is a badge of honor among the internet troll crowd.


Maybe I was naive to think that I could launch a service that would change the world based solely on my grasp of the English language and an article that I half-read about some girl who started a bridesmaid for hire business. Forgive me world for trying to make a tough time easier on everyone while simultaneously making debt my bitch.


So until next time (when I share my story about trying to sell my old baseball cards on dark web internet forums), I’ll keep expenses low with the sludge water coffee, hopes high with my investments in lottery tickets and an ear to the ground to find ways to #MakeDebtMyBitch.