Snapchat

Snapchat is Basically the Cool Kid in High School Who Peaked too Early

Snapchat has become the quintessential cool kid in high school that everyone liked because his parents let you come over and drink wine coolers in the basement. He drove an El Camino, got to 3rd base with your town’s Kelly Kapowski and probably said: “alright, alright, alright.”

 

Call it the Uncle Rico theory or the Buddy Garrity phenomenon, but you know how this story ends. Snapchat is holding on to its glory days. The days when dick pics were kosher, Snap streaks mattered and face swaps were mindfucking technology. It peaked too soon. 

 

You don’t have to be Mr. Wonderful to see through Snapchat’s business model. Let’s imagine for a second that Evan Spiegel was thrown into the Shark Tank, shall we?

 

Lori Grenier: How much money are you making?

Evan: Well, we lost $2 billion last quarter …

Mark Cuban: So, is there anything proprietary about your business? 

Evan: Umm, the biggest fucking company in the world just copied our idea verbatim and has a track record of curb stomping all of their competition …

Kevin O’Leary: Ok, so at least tell me it’s super useful to society …

Evan: Uhhhh, it’s used mostly for teenaged middle schoolers to face swap their genitals onto other kids faces …

Sharks: *Blank stares*

 

Listen, I’m not saying I told you so because I didn’t but Snapchat is proving to be a one-hit wonder that’s about to go the way of Chumbawumba and Tubthumping. It’s going to be cool to see on a Buzzfeed nostalgia listicles and sing at karaoke but no one wants it on their Summer ’17 mixtape. And don’t give me that shit about a “diversified portfolio” because of Spectacles. The only people who own a pair are Evan Spiegel’s mom and whatever Hadid sister the founder paid to wear them at Fyre Festival (too soon?).

 

So take from this Hindenburg of IPOs what you will: “don’t just do something because the cool kids are doing it,” “do your due diligence” or “see the writing on the wall.” But if you don’t take anything else from Snapchat being the biggest disappointment since McDonald’s discontinued the McRib, keep this in mind …

 

(Cue the sentimental 90’s music that plays in the last 30 seconds of every full house episode while Danny gives a life lesson …)

 

 

… don’t invest your money, time, career or precious dick pics for that matter in something you don’t fully believe in.

 

End rant.