Amazing! This 60 Year Old Facebook “Influencer” Knows Exactly How To Reach Millennials

Finally! Somebody gets us! I have been waiting since I was 18-34 for someone outside of the “millennial” demographic to finally understand what I go through on a day to day basis and try to reach me. It can be hard because I’m so busy killing industries and risking my life for a selfie with my participation trophy. Just once I wanted to find someone out there who can really connect with me, someone who can understand how I talk, and that day has finally arrived. As I sit here and type this into my Web Log, I can rest easy that I won’t miss out on what the Big Brands have to offer me, thanks to our friends over at Social Media Examiner (read this).

I want to let you all in on a little secret. Nothing that this woman has written is anywhere close to anything that could reach a millennial, let alone an entire internet full of them. I’m going to go ahead and break down the mistakes that Social Media Examiner made, and show them how they can right their wrongs before it’s too late.

Tips for Reaching Millennials:

Call Them Millennials

Do not do this. This needs to end now. We should have nipped it in the bud, but here we are, more than halfway through a generation, and people are still referring to us as millennials in an un-ironic tone. The fastest way to alienate a group of people is to give them a title. A title that they despise is just icing on the cake. We, as Millennials (I can say that, it’s our word), deserve the right to not be talked down to. You old geezers are on the way out, and we’re taking your jobs, the least you all can do up there is show us some respect. Look, a bunch of us have even made a little bit of money! Step number one to reaching a millennial crowd? Do not, under any circumstances, call us millennials. We’ll turn on you faster than you can apply your denture cement, you old nerds.

Now, the above tip was not listed in the article, that was just a little value add, as they call it in the corporate world. The following tips were offered by Social Media Examiner, and to say that they’re off the mark would be an understatement. Please, for the love of everything holy, read the list and heed my words! I beg of you.

Understand their preferences

You will not understand our preferences. You can barely sign into your own email account, let alone have any sort of clue what we like. Your idea of a good time is writing a blog about what we like, so that should be hint number one that you’re in WAY over your head. Our preferences are un-readable. As soon as you say you like something that we like, flip it on it’s head and make it into the most insulting meme that this world has ever seen. Even if we like what you’re sending our way, that shit’s getting meme’d to Uranus. Just accept the fact that we are an enigma, and you’re off to a good start.

Deliver Disappearing Messages to keep interest piqued

The example that Social Media Examiner uses for this tip is Facebook stories. I have one person that I’ve ever seen use Facebook stories. I unfriended them. They are now friendless. I was their only friend and I’ve moved on to greener pastures. No one is using Facebook stories. Shit, we stopped even using Snapchat. We’re all on Instagram now. We’re a lazy bunch. You all got that stereotype right. We find what’s easiest, what’s going to get the most likes, and we move there. You can use Facebook stories, but no one will see them, aside from your grandma that clicked one by accident two weeks ago and hasn’t been able to navigate back to her home screen yet because she learned to type on a blender in 1974.

Stream Live to be Discoverable

The next tip offered by SME (I told you I’m lazy this means social media examiner and will be used through the remainder of this piece) is streaming live to make sure you’re discoverable. If you talk to even one millennial, they’ll tell you that you best bring your A-game to the live stream. If not, you’ll be all alone unboxing your new beauty supplies all by yourself. The silence of a live video that no one’s watching is deafening. It’s a sad, sad thing.

Apply augmented reality for top of mind messaging that entertains:

This tip is supplemented by the following photos which I submit without comment.

not a millennial
Oh. My. God.

Take a minute to collect your thoughts. Pretty frightening, huh? Do not, under any circumstances use these filters as a grown ass adult trying to relate to the young folk. If your mom or grandma is doing it to try and relate to you? Fine. Your grandma is not a multinational brand unless you’re the heiress to the famed Wal-Mart fortune. Stop using these. They make you look scary, and we will not buy your products. If anything, we’ll run to the hills and take up a life of silent prayer. No one wants that, now do they?

Use Facebook Job Postings to Attract Talent

In a list of terrible advice, this might take the cake. The last thing we, as millennials, want are people going to the photo archive of our stupid decisions to try and find a job. We’re going to stay with LinkedIn where there’s no trace of our existence prior to 2009 that we haven’t carefully curated for your large-font viewing pleasure.

If you take nothing else away from this, please take this: we are not your friends. We don’t want to hang out with you or be talked to. Play up the benefits of your products, give us some deals, and keep it moving.