I Bought a Hammock on Prime Day, and Other Dangers of Amazon

Prime Day has come and gone once again, and as we pick up the pieces, I wanted to do a little soul searching. Amazon is a beast like none other we’ve ever seen. It’s the pinnacle of convenience. Need a new bed? They have it. Run out of toilet paper while you’re on the can? They’ll drop some right through the window to you. It’s absolutely incredible. For all of the good that Amazon brings us, there’s plenty of bad too.

Prime Day is not good for you

Let’s start with Prime Day. Amazon’s day to dump all of the shit they don’t want to hold onto anymore. They just pump deals all willy-nilly around the web and offer them with free two-day shipping. Among those deals, there are plenty of things that a healthy minded consumer might need, like an Amazon Echo, or a desk lamp. Hidden within these deals, however, lie the dangers of Prime Day. There are deals in there on tons of things that would be nice to have, but you really would never buy for yourself, unless they’re half off. Mix a little drinking into the day, and you could end up the proud new owner of a hammock that you definitely didn’t need.


Oh no….


This is what can happen when you browse Amazon recklessly. Do not do what I did, unless you’re in the market for a hammock you have no room for. But drunk purchases are not the only evil that Amazon is providing this world. I now also suffer from debilitating laziness.

Amazon has killed my ambitions like it’s killing brick and mortar retailers

Since I signed up for Amazon Prime back in the crisp fall of 2012, what I thought I was doing was providing myself with the free two-day shipping and second rate streaming that I deserved. What I didn’t know was that I was also getting a newfound sense of entitlement and a complete lack of ambition to do ANYTHING anymore. I have become so bloated and spoiled like some kind of gluttonous king since I signed up for Amazon. These days I could cut my hand off with Amazon brand hedge trimmers, and would still order the tourniquet through Prime before I’d run down to Target for one. (Target has great deals on tourniquets in the summer). That was a very extreme example, but you get my point.

Amazon Prime is both a gift and a curse. Before you know it, Grand Master Bezos will have us all under his spell. We’ll all live inside and never step foot outside. Our eyes, through years of apathy from never leaving home, will become weaker and weaker until eventually, they stop working altogether. From here, Charles Darwin takes over. Humans for generations afterward will be born without eyes, and our sense of hearing will become extremely acute. Finally, all it takes is one person, in their blind stupor, to accidentally press play on an old MP3 player, starting a deluge of EDM music. Our highly trained ears instantly burst, causing the mass extinction of humanity. All because I bought a hammock. It’s a slippery slope.