If you haven’t already read this (former) Yelp employees open letter to her CEO, go read it first. In the words of Eve, let me blow ya mind.
In between every cringe and disbelieving, double-take, I couldn’t help but think this ex-Yelp employee’s cry for help was a saavy piece of propaganda put out by the AARP. I can’t wait until this is revealed to be a hoax by the lady from the Life Alert commercials or that diabeetus guy on the horse. But in the Entry Revel court, all parties are millennial until proven boomer. So with that said I’ll proceed with my airing of grievances until this is uncovered to be a social media catharsis by a member the geriatric delegation who knows how to use the computer at their assisted living facility.
Below, I Yelp review the Yelp girl’s letter.
No wonder you are working at this go-nowhere job. Your grasp of the English language makes me question if you passed Hooked on Phonics, let alone earned a college degree. Your college should hire a good PR firm, your hiring manager should be burned at the stake and maybe there’s a reason your dad moved away?But let’s start at the beginning, shall we? You indicate that your dream of adulthood was having an apartment and having a beeper: did you want to be Omar Little when you grow up? Way to aim high. According to your delusional current state, you could have easily become a teacher or lawyer – but instead you chose a life as a call center grunt coaxing angry users of a food app with burrito coupons? If you really wanted to be a martyr maybe you could have just told them about Seamless. I digress.
You probably should have been a cliche (teacher) or swam in those student loans (lawyer), but I guess you were too busy being entitled to a promotion to the C-Suite after less than a year in the corporate trenches. Not only are you bucking the corporate ladder system, but asking that your company install a golden elevator to gingerly place you atop the food chain where you can dethrone your CEO 6-months after college. In the words of Donald Trump: you’re delusional.
Every generation has a defining quote: the 60’s had “one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind” and the 80’s had “Mr. Gorbachev tear down that wall.” Well, the millennial generation has this: “A whole year answering calls and talking to customers just for the hope that someday I’d be able to make memes and twitter jokes about food.” It’s so millennial I can’t even. So kudos for being the voice of a generation, Talia. If you think you’ll be paid handsomely to create memes such as “I don’t want that taco, said no Juan ever”, you understand marketing about as well as Cosby understands dating.
Let me take a wild guess, you’re a recent graduate of the University of Missouri or Oberlin (I purposely left Yale off that list, for obvious reasons)? Complaining about free food puts you in the entitled Starbucks Rewards/ Co-Ed Autumn crowd. But assuredly you’re even more familiar with entitlements now, being on welfare and all. So when Bernie Sanders isn’t elected and Occupy Wall Streeters don’t successfully do anything but embarrass their families, you’ll probably have to go back to work. And since you’ll be chased out of San Francisco by an angry mob of tech nerds, you’ll have to relocate out of Silicon Valley to a corporate hell hole, bent on cutting costs. That means like no bread to bring home and like no bread to eat at work. But I hear McDonald’s has all you can eat fries and $15 wages.
Your cute attempt to prove you a firm grasp on the English language is cringe-worthy. You reminded us what irony is about as well as Alanis Moristte did. And a lot like the items Alanis outlines in her aptly titled “Ironic”, you not being able to afford food seems shitty, not ironic. Maybe deciding to live in the most expensive market in the US wasn’t the best idea?
If nothing else, you have a set of ovaries on you. Not many cogs in the corporate wheel would have stirred the pot to ask their CEO to pay their t-mobile bill. I bet that same CEO fought the good fight and got to his position the old fashioned way: pedigree and his dad knowing a guy. Did you check out Cricket Wireless – after all a burner phone would fit with your perceived notion of adulthood.
By the end of your belligerent tirade you become a total monster, asking to take food from a homeless shelter. If you had a baby with Martin Shkreli, it would probably breathe fire. And then you devolve into total mental incapacity like Rainman focusing on his K-Mart underwear, fixating on coconut water for roughly 3 paragraphs too long. Before you go all Don Quixote on local coconut foliage, you need to be placed in a room with padded walls.
There is a lot to digest as this lengthy diatribe offers up too many talking points for one water cooler discussion. It is arguably the most famous long read since Hemingway put down his pen for the last time. Talia’s become a poster child for what not to be and a prime example of “kids these day” for the boomer crowd. But for real this girl is self destructive, self unaware and should definitely see a doctor. She committed the equivalent of professional seppuku. So I beg of you fellow millennials, do your god-given millennial duties: watch Netflix, complain about your mediocre job and feel entitled … but whatever you do, don’t be this week’s “that guy”, Talia Jane.