GUEST POST: Do’s and Don’t of Dipping Your Pen in the Company Ink

Bee is an over-the-hill millennial. And by over the hill I mean in his 30s. He grew up playing Nintendo, rewinding cassette tapes to listen to Weezer’s Blue Album and once used his imagination to entertain himself. Now, he is just a voyager in the existential landscape called “being an adult.” His greatest joy in life is to remind his wife she just had sex with a male elementary school teacher. Its happened roughly 6 times in 8 years of marriage. 

Every workplace has at least one. The hot co-worker. Strutting around in inappropriate office wear and tantalizing you with the one-too-many-buttons-unbuttoned blouse. You’re a good looking, charming fellow so why wouldn’t you make a move? If you do make the plunge into that metaphorical rabbit-hole, here are a few do’s and don’ts.

Do:

Make sure they’re not just “office hot.” A 5 on the streets can become a 7 or 8 in the desperate, beige world of the cubicle. Office hot types tend to be a headache in the long run. They could be crazy but that’s the least of your worries – they could work there a long time and make for many an awkward exchange.

Don’t:

Make your pursuit public. Again, headaches. So. Many. Headaches. The rest of the gang finding out is a sure way to end whatever chance you had of “biblically knowing” the office hottie. No one needs your cubicle mate, Todd, hounding you for details or making just-over-the-line comments when you and the hottie are in the same space.

Do:

Make sure you wear protection. No one needs an illegitimate office baby. No one.  Again, think of the headaches. Besides, who gets to bring the baby in to work on “bring your kid to work” day?

Don’t:

Waste the perfect opportunity for a hookup. Office happy hours are the perfect breeding ground for salacious dalliances. Use this loose, fun time to show her how much fun you are and that you’d be a good person to make many, MANY bad decisions with.

Do:

Show her some substance, not just your style. There will be others in hot pursuit of the office hottie. They’re going to brag about their money, house, car, Tinder profile, etc. You’re going to show her how funny you are, that you listen to her, and that you see her as more than the Excel guru that she is.

Listen, I’ m not telling you how to live your life or who to hook up with. I’m telling you to that the office hottie is a fickle mistress and can be dangerous in the short term as well as nine months later.