Last week Grantland Jr., er, The Ringer released a tittilating take on the capitalization of the word Internet and its recent demotion to un-proper noun. More boring than talking bridge strategy with your senile grandma, Bill Simmons reminds us how brutal long reads are … and why Grantland folded. But I digress.
I stopped reading somewhere between the second paragraph about “Queens English” and the Oxford linguist interview. But Ms. Bereznak has it all wrong in this humblebrag of a piece that is roughly 600 words too long and is a not-so-subtle plug for a book about words. This linguistic version of Kramer’s coffee table book about coffee tables didn’t need to run exit polls and tap Big Data to solve the age old conundrum (apparently this is a problem?) of whether it’s Internet or internet. It’s SO much simpler.
In its infancy the Internet was a sophisticated, well-polished gentlemen of high esteem. It was reserved for governments to conduct arms deals that broke the Geneva convention, store nuclear codes and do things like write “80082” in their archaic computer code. It was a simple, innocent time. As a noun it was appropriately capitalized.
With the advent of the AOL free internet CD and the dial-up modem came the dawning of a new age. This scholarly elder caught the Benjamin Buttons disease and devolved into a sketchy, pizza faced, back-talking teenager with ADHD and a mild porn addiction. As the disease progressed the Internet devolved into a babbling toddler with no couth and even less fucks given who just shits all over the place. Similar to a kindergartner who struggles with ‘Proper Noun 101’ and doesn’t capitalize any of the right words, the Internet has lost its privilege to be capitalized. An institution that is built mainly on porn, trolling and cyber bullying and has given us the Fappening, The Deep Web and Donald Trump, should have had its upper-case revoked long ago. So it doesn’t take a panel of experts of the Queens English sitting in a rich mahogany room in the bowels of the New York Times to decide this filthy, disgusting system of interconnected networks likely eroding from all the smut being transferred through the lines deserves to be demoted.