A Breakdown of the Depressing LinkedIn Chart About Millennials Dying Before Retirement

Dear Entry Revel,

What do you make of this incredibly depressing chart?


Greg in NYC

Thanks for your question Greg. You’re right, this is probably the most depressing thing I’ve seen since that video of the last 9/11 search dog getting saluted before they Old Yeller-ed that God damn American Hero. With the inception of big data and the likes of Sports Science making intelligence and nerd-dom sexy it’s no wonder you found yourself viewing this LinkedIn click bait. It’s new age porn. Well, that and Hentai. So here is a brutally honest and probably racist deep dive analysis of this completely arbitrary data likely created by an intern at Buzzfeed.

Japan: There are a few theories for this large number. The most obvious is that the entire generation expects to die a painful radiation related death in the coming years. Thanks a lot, Fukushima. But the most probable reason that Japanese millennial’s can expect to die while still working is because they are mobilizing a war machine reminiscent of W-W-two and are well-versed in the art of Kamikaze.

United States: Surprise, surprise, America is settling into in the meaty part of the bell curve. ‘Meeting most expectations’ if you will. But let’s be honest, this stat should be at zero. They must have interviewed Enterprise Rent-A-Car management program analysts with a career (and life) outlook similar to Blockbuster employees in the early 2000’s. Because everyone knows that American millennials are all going to ride their app, YouTube or *blog* fortune and fame to retirement and not die while employed. And have you seen our life expectancies?

China: Their cubes are actually communist prison cells and their “9-5” gig is to put together iPhones for 17 cents an hour. The only reason this number isn’t higher is because those who had an opinion were rounded up KGB style and shipped to North Korea.

Greece: Their country has the credit rating of your aunt with the shopping addiction who has more store credit cards than lies that she tells her husband to cover up her colossal debt. Years of their forefathers suckling from the teet of the motherland has left pension funds more dried up than your girlfriend when you mention watching a Mel Gibson marathon. As millennials are the offspring of this fiscally irresponsible and generally incompetent generation, those polled were likely confused by the number and letters on the questionnaire, hence the bright outlook.

Brazil: Uhh, Zika bro. Let’s check back on this in 6 months …

Spain: The only logical solution for the optimism of a country recently on the doorstep of default is that a large shipment of MDMA meant for Ibiza was errantly spilled into the water supply. The false hope is merely a flash in the pan that will wear off when they slow their ‘roll.’

UK: Based solely on the British version of The Office; unlimited PTO, slapstick humor and a false sense of accomplishment are the pillars of European corporate culture. This coupled with the Brexit fresh on their mind would lead you to believe that this number would be lower. But they remember 1776, and deep down they know that they are only as financially secure as Americas next financial crisis.

Greg, you might be as good at math as Forrest Gump was at running (at the begging of the movie), but it doesn’t take a Taj Mowry to know that this is basically a metric to measure pessimism. So, Entry Revel did its own statistically relevant (+/- 100%) analysis which evaluated the level of optimism per country as measured by anti-depressant prescriptions. We found there is a strong correlation between the numbers above and the number of happy pills passed out in each respective locale. Those backwards heathens in Japan won’t let the money hungry American pharma companies do business in the land of nigiri and ramen. But we found that in the land of paella, anti-depressants run more rampantly than feral cats in Detriot. Case closed.