Why are the Olympics still a thing?

Listen up, worldwide media with Olympic credentials, we get it. There is feces in the water, Zika in the air and rapists around every corner. Congratulations, you’ve confirmed what we’ve all known since the industrial revolution: Brazil is a 3rd world country with rampant corruption and general geopolitical instability. Believe me, it’s time to hide your kids and and hide your wife, but not because of man eating bacteria or the Ebola of 2016. It’s much simpler than that. The Olympics suck …

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Why do they implement Little League rules? Everyone gets a shot. The Olympics is basically one big participation trophy for 3rd world countries. Making the Olympic team for Crimea is like getting hired at McDonalds if you graduated from Harvard. Here’s an idea, next time you want to show a country you’re better than them, do it the old fashioned way: wage war on them, pillage their cities and burn their cultural landmarks. There’s no bigger gold medal than winning real life RISK. Am I right?

Do these Olympians get paid? Assuming that you don’t come from a country that plucks you from an iPhone sweatshop to train as a gymnast for 20 hours a day under threat of public lashing, how does one pursue their dream of becoming the best floor ribbon dancer? Last time I checked, even ESPN the Ocho wasn’t airing fencing or archery. And where’s the love for synchronized swimming? So how do these glorified circus attractions make enough money to live? Are they sucking dick to give up their youth to pay their way to a mosquito filled sewage dump to come in 11th place of a sport no one knows the rules to?

Hasn’t the Internet effectively ruined the Olympics? In an age where mud huts of dart blowing rainforest natives have satellite dishes and Wi-Fi, a puppy can’t take a dump that looks like the Virgin Mary without it being captured on a tribe leaders SnapChat story. If a North Korean gymnast lands a 900 (yes, I am just naming tricks from Tony Hawk Pro Skater at this point) on the parallel bars, I’ll see it and his execution for not doing a 1080 on the state run Facebook Live.

Who actually cares? After the opening ceremonies and the first weekend of competition, who has time to watch Chile vs. Fiji in speed walking at 10 AM on a Wednesday? Your grandparents who remember Jesse Owens defeating the Nazis and your friend who is “working on an app” in his parents basement are who. These are same people who hope for jury duty and give you the “your vote does matter” pep talk every November and claim “national pride.” Here is what I say to these uber-Nationalists. First, do you know who else was a Nationalist? Mussolini. And second, have you ever watched the Price is Right? So. Much. Better.

How do they choose the sports? Another Olympics, another seemingly random slew of sports. The IOC has a very complicated and throughly vetted methodology for choosing the games in each Olympiad. Said process includes getting front row hammered and throwing darts at Clip Art pictures of random sports they discovered on Wikipedia that afternoon and employing Paul the Psychic Octopus of World Cup 2006 fame. There are some glaring omissions, chief among them: a spelling bee, Skip-it and Pokemon. And what happens when they get rid of your sport? If you’re a professional canoer and it gets cut from the Olympics your only real job prospects are working at a summer camp or fording settlers across rivers on the Orgeon Trail.

What are the actual rules for being part of an Olympic team? One of my favorite games to play during the opening ceremonies is “spot the obscure country’s minority.” This is typically but not limited a small, black marathoner with a suspiciously Kenyan name from a Nordic country or a white golfer from a Carribean island that just screams “my ancestors settled this place and I live in a gated community.” According to Olympic by-laws if your step brother once looked at Google Earth of a country, you can be on their Olympic team. Other grey areas include your mother having blown a native while spring breaking in said country during the 80’s or an onery grandfather who said something racist about the people of a particular nation and/or invaded their country.

Why do Olympians fuck so much? *Cue Marilyn Manson’s “Beautiful People”* Another Olympics, another statistic about 198 million condoms being delivered to the Olympic village. Unless they’re making balloon animals with all those jimmy caps, those rooms must look like a Law and Order SVU crime scene. But for every Swedish volleyball player that will eventually pose in Playboy, there are 17 Ukranian power lifters named Ulga that need to be tested for XY chromosomes more than Britney Griner.