Welcome back ladies and gents, another week is in the books and your job probably still sucks. In between meetings and listening to Carol from accounting bitch about her ungrateful new boyfriend that still lives in his parent’s basement, there’s a good chance you missed what happened on the internet this week. Well you’re in luck. I’m here to take you back through anything you may have missed, and help keep you informed when those snot nosed kids at the local elementary school try to make fun of you for being old and out of touch. (Where are their parents?) Let’s cut the shit and get right into it:
Free Halloween Drugs!
Here we have an annual fall favorite. Each Halloween season, this post makes its rounds on the internet, and your easily influenced relatives on Facebook help promote the hysteria. Do these drugs look like candy that could easily be slipped into a child’s candy bag? Sure. But anyone who believes or promotes this post clearly has no idea how drugs, or business in general, work. I went to business school, so I’ll give you a quick lesson in economics here. See, those drugs cost money to make, and you want to get the most product to the most customers to make the most money. Do you know who makes a terrible customer? The 8-year-old neighborhood kids whose candy bags now resemble a Tory Burch bag at Electric Daisy Carnival. So no, there are not people handing out free molly this Halloween, and there never will be. Rest assured. Check back next year when this invitably resurfaces on your racist aunt’s Facebook page. Rating: D
The United States won their first Ryder Cup since 2008, and everyone’s favorite golfing highlighter was involved in one of the best photos in recent history. It’s perfect. His facial expression, the kissing of every couple around him, everything. The only negative that I can pull out of this post was the ability for every single person on the face of God’s green earth being able to use it to say “omg this is so me” and #RelationshipGoals. Those are going to hurt your score with me every time. RATING: B+
Don’t quit your day job, Al
The difference between Carrie Underwood singing and Al Michaels singing is haunting https://t.co/HABH239wm9
— Rodger Sherman (@rodger_sherman) September 26, 2016
Carrie Underwood is a handsome woman and an amazing singer. Al Michaels is one of the greatest sports commentators since the invention of sports. The man called the Miracle on Ice for god’s sake. For that alone he is a first ballot hall of famer. Carrie and Al are both great at what they do. They should, however, stick to what they do and NEVER try to cross over into new mediums, as evidenced by the clip of Al Michaels singing Carrie Underwood. A hilarious clip, even if it’s so haunting that you won’t sleep for the foreseeable future. RATING: A
Uncle Denzel, head coach of the NY Giants
Here’s a post that isn’t afraid to get dirty in the corners. A post that would make Bill Belichick proud. This post is the meme embodiment of “do your job.” Making fun of the Giants? Check. Crying Jordan? Check. Uncle Denzel? Check. RATING: B+
Hurricane Matthew was in the news this week. Much of the east coast of Florida was evacuated as one of the worst storms the state has ever seen barreled towards the coast after devastating the Caribbean. But not everyone left. One man in particular stayed to do God’s work and fire off some Tweets in the face of impending doom. What you see above is the result of a perfect storm (see what I did there?) of topical content, with a dash of meme-ery involved. Where some people saw a storm that looked like the face of death itself, my boy Adrian saw opportunity, opportunity and Uncle Denzel. The tweet was picked up by Twitter moments and immediately rocketed to the viral halls of Twitter lore. By far the best of the week. RATING: A+
There you have it. That’s what you missed this week. Have some delicious bits of internet that you’d like included next week? Do you think I have the refined taste of an actual Neanderthal? Slide in my DM’s and let me know. No dick pics please.