So, by now I’m sure you’ve heard the war story that was Tom Thomp’s night out with the ladies. At least he was able to drink a few $15 beers. Let us all have a moment in silence for him…
Ok, thank you. Personally I’d rather stay in a hostel in Mosul.
I went to a Celtics preseason game this week and learned a thing or two about how to get noticed in the crowd at a game. If you’ve ever wanted to be on the jumbo tron and become mildly internet famous for like 24 hours, then please follow this handy guide that I’ve laid out below. You’ll have a better night, and might even get yourself on ESPN.
Step 1: Tickets
Chances are if you’re reading this you’re not Larry David. (If you are, in fact, Larry David, please let me know if you read my screenplay) So don’t expect to get Larry David level tickets. Go ahead and get yourself a pair of tickets with all the poor bastards up in the nosebleed section. If you stop at this step, your best case scenario is soberly squeezing into seats built for a person that, if you’re like me, is a quarter of your size. Not great, Bob! Continue to step 2.
Step 2: The beer
Beer is a must at any event that you might happen to find yourself at, but there is no place that is better for a frosty beverage than
your sister’s kindergarten graduation an NBA game. The NBA are masters of entertainment. Baseball is fun to watch live to just hang out and take in the atmosphere, but the NBA knows how to put on a goddamn show. You know what makes already great things better? That’s right, beer. Chances are beer at whatever game you’re watching is going to be anywhere between 12 and 15 dollars, depending on whether or not you splurge on the commemorative cup (don’t be an asshole, get the cup). If you followed my previous advice and are sitting with the vagabonds in the balcony, you’ll still be having a good time without breaking the bank. Here’s where the cost comes into play. Take all of that money that you saved buying the cheap seats, and invest it in TWO LARGE BEERS. This step is critical to your success, so it’s very important that you buy a beer for both hands. We’ll get to that shortly.
Step 3: Act like you belong
OK, not that shortly. Once you’ve purchased your second beer. It’s like you bought controlling stake in the home team. You have a skeleton key that can get you into any part of the arena that you so choose. If your hands are full, they can’t get into your pockets. Do you know what’s in your pocket? Your ticket. Do you know who wants to see your ticket? The usher who is keeping the have-nots away from the haves like Leo in the Titanic.
If you have your hands full, the ushers cannot reasonably expect to take your ticket. How are you going to get into your pockets with no hands? You’re not Cris Angel. You’re a mere mortal. The other folk who don’t take out their tickets are the regulars who have season tickets and belong down behind the announcer’s table. I guess you’ll have to just walk right by the usher and down to your seats that you totally belong in. Have your hands full of beer, act like you belong, and no one is stopping you.
Step 4: DO NOT act like you belong
You’ve made it. You’re in the best seats in the house. Close enough to sniff Hubie Brown’s hair, if you’re so inclined. Once you’re firmly in place. Do not, under any circumstances, act like you belong whatsoever. You don’t know about all these fancy do’s and don’ts that come with court side seats. You’re a simpleton from the rafters. Now, you just have to put on a show. Know ahead of time what you’ll do once the spotlight is on you. If you’ve followed the above steps, this should be the hardest part of the night. Be original. Be Funny. Be ready to shine when your number is called.
Following these steps could be your key to moving to Hollywood and becoming an overnight sensation. Or at the very least Bomani Jones might call you a “foaming, rabid clown,” and a “bootleg Matt Damon.”