getting a raise

How to ask for a raise without getting fired

By now, you probably have had your year end review. Your holiday bonus, if you’re lucky enough to get one, has already been spent on cheap liquor and gifts for people that you don’t really like. Now it’s time to prepare for the new year. With the new year inevitably comes higher prices, and therefore higher rent. “But how am I supposed to afford a higher rent if I continue to make the same amount of money that I did last year?” Well the answer, man/woman who asks questions that are oddly relatable to the topic of this blog, is to put on your big boy/girl pants on, get on out there, and get yourself a raise.

At many companies, a raise may come without any sort of struggle. Some companies give raises yearly to match inflation rates in the cost of living. That is of course if you’re doing a halfway competent job, and your company isn’t a startup that sells artisanal deodorant. Now here comes the tough part, you have to actually talk to your boss in order to make this happen. There are a couple of key things to keep in mind here, and I’m going to tell you what they are.  Let’s overcome the stigma together and get you that money.

Don’t low-ball yourself

This might be the most important of all of the tips that you’re going to hear from me today/tonight/whenever you get around to reading. Don’t be a lazy piece of shit. Do your research. Your boss is just PRAYING when that meeting comes up on his or her calendar that you’re going to walk in with a low number in mind. Your boss will probably approve it immediately, and there will be no negotiation whatsoever. You’ll be happy, he/she’ll be happy, and we’ll all go on our merry way, right? WRONG. You’ve set the precedent that you have no clue what you’re doing and are doomed to a life of below average salary all because your dumb ass couldn’t spend 5 minutes on Glassdoor before the meeting. Shoot high and let them talk you down to an acceptable level. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.

Don’t leave any cracks

You’re about to walk into your bosses office to ask them to hand you more money. You’d better make damn sure that you’ve got all your bases covered. Did you send every email that you said you’d send that week? Do you have any projects that are on or past deadline? If so, get that shit finished before your boss laughs your ass all the way back to the mailroom. You can’t be looking for more money when you haven’t even finished the shit that they already pay you for, that’s just bad business.

Break out the trophy case

To build on my last point, in order to get your corporate overlords to shell out some more cash, you’ve got to prove that you’re worth it. It’s important to have a list of every single accolade that has come your way since the last review. What do I mean by this? I mean literally everything that makes anyone above you look good. I don’t care if it’s so little as saving the company a penny by picking one that you found in the parking lot up and turning it in to reception. Did you hit a walk off homer in the interoffice softball game? Great! Bring the game film. Leave no doubt in your bosses mind that you’re worth every single dime they’re paying. If you can prove you’re worth the money, it’s that much easier for them to say yes.

Don’t take no for an answer

Chances are this conversation is just as uncomfortable for the person you’re talking to as it is to you. In order to capitalize on this situation, you need to push awkward to the limits. Refuse to take no for an answer. Tell your boss that you will actually camp in their office in order to get the answer you’re looking for. Don’t back down. This standoff probably won’t get to this point, your boss has emails to answer and can’t be bothered with this tomfoolery. Congratulations, you’re now the proud owner of a 3% raise. Don’t actually sleep in your boss’ office though, that will definitely get you fired.

If you want to make it in the dog eat dog world of business, or if you just want a few extra bucks in your pocket for video games and beer, you have to be willing to step up and take it. Don’t be left out in the cold this Christmas season. Get the money you’ve earned, and go back to living the life of lavish mediocrity that you deserve. Happy holidays you poor bastards.