Welp, recent graduates who participated in #SafeSpace campus “quiet riots” of the fall of 2016, who said He’s not YOUR President (for the record, he is), I’ve got some bad news for you, it’s not YOUR Obamacare either. At least if Paul Ryan and his posse of middle aged white men who don’t know what a dab is, despite representing the average American, have anything to do with it. So where does that leave your sorry ass?
Have something to say? Of course you do … join the convo over on our Slack chat.
Unless you’re a sugar baby or are finding out the perk of menopause from the cougar next door, this doesn’t really affect you. After all …
Congratulations, you successfully asked your aunt that worked at a dentist office in the 90’s about what choices you should make, looked up deductible on Wikipedia and signed up for a health plan. If you’re working at a major company, this probably won’t affect you. Said major company repays you for sucking the life out of you like the witches in Hocus Pocus do those virgins, by paying for your insurance. So basically, your employer is Kathy Bates in Misery.
If you don’t work 35-40 hours, however, you’re more fucked than Jenna Jameson in the mid-2000’s. Your company might not be required to give you healthcare, so you’ll be turning tricks for your Valtrex …
Work for a dope ass startup with like 20 hoodie rocking outside the box thinkers that dropped out of Harvard? You’re also probably screwed. Think: undocumented immigrants after January 20th. Obamacare provided affordable health care to those whose companies weren’t obligated to (under 50 employees). When the Donald says you’re fired to the ACA, you could be treating your startup bean bag chair-related injuries with a first aid kit and WebMD.
Arguably the worst part? You might lose those free preventative care visits (check-ups) and worst of all for this generation: BIRTH CONTROL. That’s right, that baby loving tyrant Mike Pence wants everyone to practices abstinence. For those of you oozing sex appeal like myself, this isn’t going to be easy.
You’re a Miss/Mister Independent, you dove head first into the real world and you’re officially balls deep in responsibility. Congratulations, you’re in the 99th percentile of our pathetic generation. That’s like being the skinniest kid at fat camp. But I digress. If you bought your insurance through one of those fancy online bazaars or Healthcare.gov, your options and subsidies might dry up soon in the name of capitalism.
And god forbid you have a pre-existing condition, you pathetic weak bodied soul. How dare you have something wrong with you that needs treatment, healthcare should only be for the health types! Insurers might be able to deny you coverage or at the very least charge you more, the Trump administration hasn’t decided how much of a dick they want to be.
Glass Half Full
But Tyler, there surely has to be some good news? I mean all those coal miners and factory workers had to see something positive in Trump’s message! You’re in luck, especially if youre 19-26, the Trumpster plans to keep the policy that allows you to remain on your parent’s healthcare. I mean you’re already on their phone family plan and living in their basement, so it’s only fair. And that’s not the only good news … if you’re uninsured the tax imposed by Obamacare is going to be repealed right quick. Of course, this means you probably live on the fringe of society and were raised by wolves, but you’re still better than anti-vaxxers in our book.
So stock up on those contraceptives and get those free checkups soon, kids. Tune into C-SPAN to watch a bunch of old white men decide your future. Democracy’s grand, ain’t it?