How to be the smartest dumbass in a room.

In a world with answers at our fingertips, some of us just don’t bother asking the questions. There’s a time and a place for assumptions and it’s not at work.

When interacting with the world, there are certain measures to be taken.

Avoid intellectual conversations

This is a no-brainer. If it moves past opinion and into thoughts that require critical thinking or proof or life experience or the odd time common sense and you’re doomed?

Make a joke, get outta there.

Pretend like you don’t care about things.

When engaged with “Really, you don’t care about ______ even though it effects you directly?”

Displaced passion is a weird thing and it’s usually not questioned.

Claim that “_____” it’s so frustrating, you prefer not to discuss it. Dramatic? Yes.

Will they want to know your nonexistent opinion after a comment like that? Unlikely.

Say something doesn’t make sense…

and then say nothing at all.

Be firm in your silence.  Let them find something that doesn’t make sense to them, and then roll with it. If you’re dealing with an asshole that says, “What doesn’t make sense?” Respond with “life,” and walk away.

Blame someone else

Frame your statements as though someone they don’t* know told you.

When you’re wrong, “Can’t wait to tell Jeff he’s a naïve asshole.”

*Your story could crumble if they know this person.


Find anything contradicting, relevant or not, then pull that fucking thread.

Repeat until you’re in the clear.


Know about a couple local charities; people love that shit. It’ll change the topic every time.

If you’re normal and don’t know any charities, make one up.

You can’t know all the charities.

Don’t be afraid completely change the topic

Make sure it’s something good though; it can’t be too obvious.

Let’s say you’re talking to someone at work and a conversation comes up where you’re certainly going to look like a dumbass:

“Hey did you guys hear about (insert office gossip that you possibly just made up.)”

If pushed for a source, follow this with Blame someone else.


As much as I would love to paraphrase the definition of paraphrase…

Act as though you don’t discuss it.

Politics: the easiest way to look uneducated.

If you find yourself in the midst of a shit storm of opposing/non existent/questionable-opposing opinions, do not panic.

Remain calm.

Take a holistic-nothungoveratbrunch-glutenfree approach:

You’re above it and uninterested in discussing it.

If all else fails…

People love being smart. Admit you’re not familiar with something, then proceed to act as though it’s the most important piece of information you’ve ever received.


Ask 1,00,000 questions. It’s so annoying they’ll find a reason to excuse themselves.

Well, that’s about all I can think of. If you use these tricks, you’ll look questionable, at best, which is better than a fool.

From one dumbass to another: best of luck out there.