A Comprehensive Guide to Being the Office DJ

Congratulations! You finally did it!

You showed up early, or volunteered first, or slipped your boss a twenty, and now you’re in control of the most important ingredient in office morale: playing the music. But it’s not all fun and games though, right? While being the DJ gives you roughly the same amount of power as Bruce Almighty, there are certain drawbacks to being assigned to hold it down on the office Bose speaker. Because I’m a nice guy and I want all of you to dominate your respective responsibilities, I’ve put together a short guide to help you become the office-preferred Disc Jockey (aside from the company Christmas party).

Ease into it.

I get it, you love Migos and your accustomed daily greeting to the office is “RAIN DROP!” You’re not alone in that. But that does NOT mean that Jake from State Farm in Accounting who has a three year old at home and has probably been listening to Paw Patrol on repeat for the past 173 days is ready for “Bad and Boujee” at 8:30 in the morning. Coffee first, throw on John Mayer’s new album, and let’s not get kicked off the tunes before your first meeting, deal?

WABOBB: We All Bond Over Boy Bands

You know it’s true. It doesn’t matter what your flavor is. You can’t go wrong with the big two, Backstreet Boys and NYSNC, but don’t be afraid to show off a little bit. Throw in some Savage Garden, NKTOB, Hanson, 98 Degrees, or, my personal favorite, Dream Street; you’ll immediately gain credibility. Some people may be more timid to expressive their love for era of music than others, but worst case scenario is ending up with a whole office of people internally dancing around their bedrooms in 2001. You know you did it.

Never take requests.

You’re a nice person, I understand that. And sure, your office crush is asking to hear that new Chainsmokers song “just once,” even though the rest of the office has been all about the O.A.R. Pandora station you’ve been rocking for the past hour. Just. Say. No. Once you take the first request, word will get out. Trust me on this. Your crush will tell his or her cubicle buddy, who just went through a breakup and “has been on an Alanis Morrissette kick recently,” and then, before you know what happened, you’re strong-armed by someone of higher ranking into playing the extended version of Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon album at 2pm on a Wednesday. You’ve been warned.

You do not need to blare “your jam” at an earth-shattering volume.

It’s probably a really good song. In fact, everyone probably likes it. But, we phone calls to make and take, and there’s a high probability that the person on the other end of the line already knows all of the words to “Breakaway” by Kelly Clarkson, especially if half of the office is accompanying her during this particular rendition. This rule is especially important if you work in an office that’s trying to be hip and cool and millenial=friendly with its open-floor plan and hardwood floors and severe lack of sound-barriers.

Anything goes on Friday after 3pm

Fair. Game. If you think this is the right time for Rebecca Black to bring it home, then you do it. If waiting all week to dance around the office to “Haven’t Met You Yet,” here’s your green light. If you’re leaving the office early for that bachelorette party in Nashville and you don’t have “Single Ladies” escorting you to the door, then shame on you. This is your chance to completely disregard the people who claim that they still have a full stack of reports to read through before 5:00 rolls. And, let’s face it, if you actually obeyed these guidelines, you’re probably never going to be in charge of the office music, anyway. Get your money’s worth.

Maybe just play some Taylor Swift.

I mean, everyone likes at least one of her songs, and you have headphones at your desk and the Spotify app on your phone. Be a team player for me one time.