Hating your job isn’t an art or a science, it’s a God damn lifestyle. Griping about your meaningless existence of “not saving lives” accounts for roughly 57% of the words that come out of your mouth. Not many can be wholly dedicated to the religion of hating their job while managing to play the world’s tiniest violin everywhere they go. But you can …
Rule #1: Do so incognito.
The first rule of the Hate Your Job Club is don’t talk about the Hate Your Job Club.
Think of your conversations as website visits. You wouldn’t want the whole world, especially management knowing what “sites” you’ve been going to, would you? You’d use that “Private” setting in Safari. You should be employing the same techniques in the shit-talking game. Bad mouth your job on the DL. Like a sleuth you must gossip about management and your general disdain for this job like a fucking Crouching Tiger and Hidden Dragon. Power user tip: Co-worker group chat (on non-work devices).
Rule #2: Eye rolls, lots of eye rolls.
Like a tree falling in the forest, if no one sees the eye roll, did it really happen? At meetings and mid-convo, show contempt for your chosen career by rolling your eyes with reckless abandon. Leave no eye unrolled!
Rule #3: DGAF … kinda.
Like the kid who skipped school to smoke Marb Reds with the cool kids, but went home and studied for 3 hours so he could get into a good college and have himself a white picket fence and a family, give zero fucks outwardly about your job, but actually kinda care. Since it pays the bills and all.
Rule #4: Ruin it for everyone else.
Always be the first to let new hires draw their own conclusions about this place, but before they can vocalize them, impose your will on them. Stomp out all self-expression like Stalin and nip any attachment to this place right in the bud. Don’t ask them how they feel about this place, let them know how they feel about this place. (Spoiler: They hate it.)
Rule #5: Always have a trump card.
You can’t be the biggest hater at the ball unless you drink all the Hatorade and maintain your spot as the CEO of Fuck This Place Inc. When anyone tries to have a remotely bad day, put them in their place by one-upping their story about management decreasing their pay and taking away the healthcare benefits for their dying toddler: “Oh that’s all? Stephen asked me to stay late tonight! I have a painting and wine class for Christ’s sake!”
Rule #6: The Top-Down Approach.
Never engage those above you in the corporate hierarchy with your dissent. Only impress your will on underlings who have no say in your annual review/know that snitches get stitches.
Rule #7: Send “Is He/She Serious Email?”
Every time there is another meeting that could have been an email or a request to “take a deep dive,” send the all-subject-line-email to your cronies in not caring: “Are they SERIOUS about us paying for K-Cups?!?” … possibly accompanied by a meme in the body of the text. Power user meme:
Rule #8: The Bully Theory.
Pick a proverbial whipping boy. This is likely the boss man (or woman) but does not need to be. Verbally belittle his management skills, berate his family (that is actually quite lovely) and make sure to metaphorically stuff his/her ass in a locker whenever they aren’t around.
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