Having a job can be great. Or it can be awful. But no matter where it lands on your happiness spectrum, sometimes it’s time to quit. Maybe you have a better offer. Maybe you just hate the job that much. I don’t care because this article is not about whether you should quit (although you probably shouldn’t unless you’ve got another way to pay your bills lined up, you impulsive so-and-so!). But real winners know that if you’re going to do something, do it right. When it’s time to quit, here are some ways you can quit like a dang champion:
1. The Don Draper
You’re not really “quitting”, you’re just taking a stand for the greater good. And the greater good stands against…whatever it is your job is. For Don, it was taking a stand against making people think cigarettes won’t turn their lungs into ash pudding. That’s a pretty high bar for the greater good, and even he looked sort of like a jackass when he wrote that letter. Was he putting himself on the right side of history? Probably yes. Did he make everyone else terrified to hire him? Definitely yes. Tread carefully when turning your LinkedIn profile into a morality newsletter.
2. The Office Space
Odds are, you want to quit at least partially because something about the job keeps you from being happy. So why not just do whatever you want and still collect a paycheck? Sure, you’ll probably get fired, but that’s probably at least one extra paycheck before the boss gets wise. And your DGAF mentality may just be mistaken for frustrated brilliance and land you a promotion, at least until Milton burns the building down over a stapler.
3. The Ghost
A great option for the dissatisfied but non-confrontational. Don’t want to go to work? Don’t. They’ll figure it out eventually. And if they don’t…well not everything is your problem. Especially if you have direct deposit.
4. The Cathartic Meltdown
That bitch Claudia sucks her teeth after eating popcorn. And she eats popcorn every got-damn day. Your boss wants to be cc’d on EVERY email you send, but it takes him a week to respond to an email you actually wrote to him directly. The division director micromanages your spreadsheets so much you wonder if she ever has time to do her own damn job. Mike pronounces it “nuke-U-luhr” although you told him twice. And the last time Sheila brought her kid to the office that little patient zero made you sick for two weeks. You hate these motherfuckers anyway, give yourself a fun story to tell for the next twelve years whenever you get even slightly drunk.
Probably best not to list anyone from here as a reference afterward though.
5. The Kamikaze
You’re going down. Maybe you blew the big project. Maybe you watched too many Milo Yiannopoulos videos and thought it was okay to mix racist statements into workplace discussion as long as you’re “making a point”. Or maybe the company just needs a way to pay for its dividends without cutting anyone with a corner office. No matter what, you can’t save yourself. But you can take someone with you. Did you actually blow the project because Frank never finished his spreadsheet but you didn’t bring it up because you didn’t want to be seen as an instigator? Well instigate right the fuck on. Maybe your VP vetoed your raise last year because she “doesn’t believe merely satisfactory performance merits increased rewards. She has also been banging the CEO’s husband in the conference room every night for a month. Dolly Parton said freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose, so set that son of a bitch free along with you.
6. The “New Horizons”/Forced Resignation
Similar to the Don Draper, except now you’re quitting for you. You’re “seeking new horizons”, “pursuing new opportunities”, “seeking a new adventure”, or other euphemisms for forced resignation.
7. The 2-Week Gentleman
Traditionally, you’re supposed to give your employer two-weeks’ notice before you bounce. But I don’t know if this rule was written at a time when employers typically gave the same notice before firings, or if it was just a “let’s see if we can get people to do this” situation. As a general rule, I only think giving notice makes sense if you can expect the same notice before you’re fired, or if you really need a good reference letter. But if you still always give two-weeks and a handshake, I doff my hat to you.
No matter how you quit, remember what matters most: you will not longer be working at the same place. This means it is absolutely essential that you not part at the original building, show up at your original desk, and put in an 8-hour day at this job you just left. Not only will you not get paid, it’s a rookie quitter’s mistake! Show the world that you know how to quit by not returning to the job you quit on the following day. Now you’re cooking with GAS!