Road Rules: Guidelines for Public Transportation

I don't want to be pushed onto the third rail because you watched one too many episodes of "Fuller House."
Public Transportation

Riding public transportation is common for a lot of people. Some ride because their commute is filled with traffic. Others do out of fiscal responsibility. You ever tried to park in a city garage for a day, let alone a week? Then there are the people who ride the train out of necessity. No matter your reason there are certain rules and guidelines everyone should follow and luckily I am here to tell you what they are.

Keep To Yourself

I shouldn’t really have to explain this one but it is the most important rule of public transportation. Keep to yourself. Do not make eye contact with anyone.  Plug in your headphones and jam out to your favorite music but whatever you do, do not engage in conversation with anyone. If someone tries to talk to you, look straight at the ground. Nothing good has ever come from a conversation that started on the train.

Keep it Going 

There is nothing worse than having to transfer trains and the people in front of you are taking a nice afternoon stroll during rush hour. Do not be those people. Walk at a brisk pace while maintaining your personal space. Do not dilly dally. If you are using an escalator, the left side is for people that walk up the escalator while the right is for the people who are just taking the ride. If you stand still on the left side of the escalator, do not be surprised if someone pushes you out of the way. Sorry not sorry in advance. And for the love of God, walk in a straight line.


But first, a Zack Morris timeout.

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Give it Time

Know what I hate more than anything? Running. That is why I give myself enough time to make the train. I
understand running late is an unavoidable consequence of being a human. However,  the proliferation of apps that track arrival and departure times has given the most inept time manager the ability to plan their commute in advance. I don’t want to be pushed onto the third rail because you watched one too many episodes of “Fuller House.”  Also, give people who are departing the train enough space to exit before entering the train. I don’t know how many times I have tried to depart while some maniac pushes their way onto the train. The people who do this have their own space in hell.

public transportation

Don’t Feed the Animals

Maniacs and unemployables litter every train or bus ride. Every day is an adventure. The other day I saw a lady start taking off her pants and I panicked. Luckily she was wearing another pair of pants on underneath because anything is possible when the general public is involved. People like this lady come in many different shapes and sizes. Stay away from all of them. You never know when someone will just straight up cough into your mouth. If someone running for office promises  separate cars for “Normals” and “Animals” I will vote for them a million times.

The worst part of your day should be when you are actually at work, not when you are coming or going. Your time on public transportation is for checking your social media and email while trying not to think about the dreadful day to come.


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