Let me preface this piece by saying I’m guilty of what might be the whitest of white collar crimes: LinkedIn lurking. Like a mix of Chris Hanson’s creepy stepson and Nev from Catfish, I got my gumshoe on to uncover the one who almost got away. When I met my future wife 8 cocktails deep at a bar, I only get her first name and last initial. She had her online profiles locked down like the Declaration of Independence in National Treasure. She used all the tricks in the book: privacy settings, middle name as last name on Facebook and an inconclusive twitter handle (this was pre-Instagram). She was good. But I was better.
LinkedIn was my golden ticket to “remembering” who I talked to.
There’s creeping, then there’s this …
An article on Wired highlighted an epidemic of (likely) Napoleon complexed dudes whose go-to question is “so what do you do” sliding into LinkedIn Messages. Just doesn’t have the same ring to it as DM does, does it?
I guess it was only a matter of time until knuckle dragging broseidons who assume all women are as shallow as the last gold-digging lady of the night they caught an STI from. If you think most (read: any) chicks are getting hot and bothered by your over inflated, under compensated corporate gig, you’re a bigger joke than your LinkedIn endorsements.
Let’s investigate why you should never try to date of LinkedIn, shall we?
Human kind spends roughly 98% of their internet time on Facebook, 1% on Instagram and approximately .0007% of their time on other social networks. This means roughly 45 seconds per day is reserved for LinkedIn. And what self-respecting human being spends time on a networking site when they aren’t looking for a job? Fucking overachievers. So if you think the Assistant Secretary to the Regional VP of your dreams is going to go into her email spam folder, find the email alerting her to your creepy message, reset her LinkedIn password because she forgot it and go on a date with you, you’re sorely mistaken.
It’s an HR demerit waiting to happen.
But SOMEONE has to keep the lights on over at LinkedIn, right? Besides the try-hard, happy hour skipping crowd, there is an ever-dangerous threat lurking. Prowling around the bowels of LinkedIn groups are the hall monitors of Corporate America: Human Resources. More like fun police, amirite? The last thing you need is being blackballed in your industry or dragged into an interrogation room by Betty from corporate to explain why you sent a sexually explicit image to that Associate Director that “definitely gave you eyes” at the 2017 Eastern Sales Leaders conference.
Quite frankly, it’s tough to cast a wide enough net on LinkedIn. The barriers to entry (if you catch my drift) are monumental: limits of how many people you can message, the dreaded “how do you know this person?” question, not to mention, people can see if you viewed their profile. And what about the fact that there is only one un-dated picture? This is a pretttty small sample size to decide who you want to make the mother of your child. Buyer beware! This has all the makings of the authorities showing up on your doorstep and warning you not to go within two Gigabytes of your cyber-stalkee.
You’re a “met most expectations.”
At best. Sure you might stand a chance if you’re first to the feeding ground, but as soon as there’s blood in the water the sharks are going to lay waste to guppies like you. Investment Bankers, rocket propulsion engineers,and other sexy sounding job titles will win a dick measuring contest vs. you 10 times out of 10. Sad but true.
Have some respect for the game goddamnit.
Are no grounds sacred anymore? As if chat roulette, Grindr and Snapchat weren’t enough, you have to try to jam your genitals into anything with a pulse and a 401k? Reserve your borderline sexual deviance for the traditional proverbial breeding grounds.
Even if you are the Hitch of LinkedIn dating, chat up a respectable young professional and convince them to go on a date with you, you’ll assuredly be in for the worst first date ever. It will be the most career driven discussion ever. It will read like the script of a Tim Ferris keynote. The only thing you will have in common is your career driven attitude and lack of self-respect. Oh, and you’ll probably never have a second date because your schedules “won’t work” since you’re married to your job and all.