Hi, my name is Tyler and I am a fidget-er.
I get handsy with just about any god damn thing within my reach. Give me a beer bottle, that label is coming off. Give me a clicky pen, may God have mercy on its soul. Give me a company branded stress ball, did we just become best friends?
Got it? Good.
I hate to sound like “that guy” who knows about a band before they got big and won’t let you forget about it butttt I knew about fidget spinners and cubes way before they were even getting crowdfunded. And wayyy before Dr. Oz made them mainstream. I was reading about these bad boys on underground stress blogs. Real hardcore, dark web, type shit. NBD.
For those of you who don’t know, fidget cubes and spinners are the latest fad du jour. The makers claim that they cure anxiety and stress but everyone knows that’s what Xanax is for. These things are just for awkward people who don’t know what to do with their hands. They’re getting a bad rap among the teacher and caretaker crowd *cough* wet blankets *cough* who are treating them like Chinese throwing stars. Am I ashamed that they are most popular among the elementary school crowd? Hell no. This thing has brought me more joy than POGs, Super Soakers and Wiffle Balls combined.
That is until I broke it.
Sure I’ve put about 300 hours of fidgeting on this bad boy and my fingers were once compared to that of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s (by me, just now) but having a stress-reducing device that causes stress is a terrible way to go through life.
The problem? The “glide/joystick” feature is jammed in one position.
Put yourself in my shoes for a second. Think about the most unsettling thing that’s ever happened to you but it happens over and over and over. Maybe it’s a candy that gets stuck in the vending machine or a gas station pump that stops at $25.01. It’s fucking infuriating. It’s unconscionable.
But Tyler, why don’t you just get a new one you might ask? That’s like telling Willie Mays to get a new glove before he made The Catch. There’s something about wearing in a fidget cube. A comrade who has been with you through the worst of the worst. It’s hard to put him out to pasture.
If you haven’t gone out and bought one of these bad boys, what the fuck else are you wasting your time doing? Put down that “cell phone” and live in the moment for once … by zoning out with a fidget spinner.