Jeff Bezos

Jeff Bezos scares the SH*T out of me

I’m scared of a lot of things: a rogue spider in my car, radical Islamic terrorism and R.L. Stine novels to name a few. So now that you know I’m as soft as the inside of a Pop Tart, I’ll let you in on my biggest fear: Jeff Bezos.


Dude is what keeps Chuck Norris up at night. More hairless than Dr. Evil and Mr. Clean’s combined, with robber Barron money and a DGAF attitude. Oh, and did I mention he owns the internet? Not in the Al Gore sense and I’m not talking about Alexa, I’m talking about legitimately owning the internet. Like the whole fucking “cloud.”


Amazon Web Services powers like 90% of the Internet. That’s right, Bezos could shut down PornHub with the flick of a switch. But he wouldn’t do that … right?


And let’s think about what else he’s got his grubby little paws in:

  • Entertainment (“Amazon Prime and Chill”)
  • Voice recognition software (“Alexa, short Wal-Mart stock”)
  • Amazon Kindle (… because nerds and basic white chicks)


And now: Whole Foods. This is the whitest, white guy move in the history of gentrification.


Oh, Walmart you’re going to buy a bro brand of khakis to upsell your Brett Favre worshipping Wrangler ride or dies? Well, I’m going to see your portfolio gentrification and raise you a stay-at-home, trophy wife Mecca.


So why am I scared of Bezos?


Let’s think about the other greats for a minute: Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Zuck, Rockefeller … Dr. Dre …the creme de la creme. They were all reallllllly fucking good at one thing. Hell, Billy G (no relation to Kenny) even got sued by the government because he was TOO GOOD. Let that sink in for a second, you’re so good at something that the government has to stop you. You can barely keep your Sims alive.


But Bezos is like that kid in high school who is the QB, stud pitcher, mathlete, valedictorian and looks like a dude from a J. Crew magazine … except he didn’t end up working at the local gas station and reminiscing about taking his team to states.


He’s a 5-tool player with unlimited upside and he’s about to stuff the world in a proverbial locker.


There’s nothing this guy won’t do. There are talks of Amazon taking over Slack, the preferred messaging app of real life Richard Hendricks everywhere … and a growing corral of corporate stiffs. So basically you’ll be able to order anything from anywhere (as long as it is an Amazon product on an Amazon device).


Let’s face it – it’s Amazon’s world and we’re just living in it.


But what kind of corporate career advice site would we be if we didn’t discuss the human side of this transaction? We’ve all heard that robots are going to take over the world, one high school dropout at a time. But here’s my human capital concern: a world full of unemployed deli and sushi bar workers roaming the streets like packs of feral dogs complaining about “the man.” Can you say Occupy Silicon Valley?


It’s just a matter of time until parents basements are overflowing with deadbeat 40 somethings whose sole purpose in life was to cut Boars Head deli meet and buy Busch Heavy for their underage coworkers.


Admittedly it wouldn’t be easy to be replaced by a drone and 21 year old coder who failed upwards through a session at General Assembly. But you know what was easy? That series of poor life choices.