I Need to Work for the Company Making its Employees into Robots

Artificially Intelligent is a series dedicated to reminding people to shut the f*ck up about robots killing and/or enslaving the human race and embrace our sweet, sweet future of phoning it in. 


In a world where “revenge of the nerds” is playing out IRL, Mark Zuckerburg and Elon Musk are facing off on the ill effects of AI technology. It seems only fitting that as the two are publicly sparring about whether Skynet is kosher or not, a tech company in Wisconsin (yes, THAT Wisconsin) is going to start creating cyborgs out if it’s best and brightest.


Three Square Market, a rare tech company in a state whose economy is based on dairy products and Brett Favre, is going to begin offering employees implantable RFID devices. The implants will allow the sentient humanoids to open doors, pay for purchases, share business cards, store medical information and login to their computers.


Here we are living in 2017 and Three Square Market, a god damn vending machine company in Wisconsin, is living in 2094.


The critics are going to call foul on making yourself into a real life $6 million-dollar man (note: this obscure reference does not reflect inflation), but how bad of an idea is it really?


First and foremost, being the first baker’s dozen or so people in the US to have this technology has its perks. You’re likely getting a TechCrunch expose, or a front page Medium post at the very least.


Not to mention it isn’t going to be the worst thing in the world to never have to remember your computer login again. Long gone are the days of changing your network passcode by one special character EVERY MONTH. And you have to assume that your nano index finger is going to malfunction at least twice a week, giving you more free time than that guy on the management plan who takes a cigarette break every 30 minutes.


Sure you might get hacked, but I challenge you to name a person on God’s green earth (that isn’t Amish) whose identity isn’t already floating around the dark web. Shop at Target? Your data is out there. Thanks for the credit card info. Send a 3 AM SnapChat to your ex? Definitely on a revenge porn site.


My point is that the world we live in isn’t safe, it never will be safe and maybe, just maybe, implanting your “wallet” in your thumb will make it harder to steal than your kidney.


You already act like a robot every day, why not get some benefit out of it. Who knows, maybe you can train the thing to remember that excel formula you always forget or record the meeting that you totally zoned out of.


So don’t knock it until you try it. If it means not forgetting my badge when I’m already 35 minutes then shoot me full of microchips, SIM cards and antennae.